live from the guillotine

Dear Santa,

These are a little late but funny still. I had to collect Santa Letters for the paper and here are some of the funnier ones.

- Valentine

P.s. I left all the spelling mistakes and such in them.

Dear Santa,

I have been very good this year. I have a short list of things I would like for Christmas if you could please bring them. I want video games, bike, cd player, doll and clothes, tea set, make up , jewelry, art supplies, spy glasses, flash light, artist easel, soccor ball, and 9900.00 dollars for my family.

Love,  Starla

Dear Santa,

What I want for Christmas please give me a bull riding belt that you put a belt on the bull and a beeib gun.

Love, Travis

Dear Santa,

How is Rudolph and Dancer? I want it all! Any Questions?  P.s. I've been pretty good this year. Have a nice year. How are you Santa?

From Maki

And oldie, but a goodie, and one of my favorite Christmas cartoons, ever:

Quote of the Day

Shamelessly stolen from Ask Mom ( a fine blog everyone should be reading):

Listen to the words of our President on the christening of YET ANOTHER incredibly powerful freedom machine, the USS George H.W. Bush:

"She is unrelenting, she is unyielding, she is unstoppable," President George W Bush said, lauding the warship's state-of-the-art design before pausing for a punch line aimed at his mother's well-known steely constitution. "Matter of fact, she probably should have been named Barbara Bush."

Weight Loss Success!

I mentioned a couple of weeks ago I'd gained 10 lbs. through a combination of boredom and trying to eat my ulcer into shutting up, already.  Over Labor Day Weekend, I went to visit my Mom and she remarked she really needed to lose 10 lbs. too.  She suggested a bet between the two of us, all the more motivation to stick with our diet, and the one who loses the weight by Thanksgiving is the winner.  She said, "Now, it needs to be serious!'

And I said, "Okay, I bet you $500 dollars!"

I wish I'd had a camera; I'd just as well have slapped her across the face.  It was difficult keeping a straight face, so I walked out of the room.  Mom chased me.  Mom is a tightwad extrodinaire.  She washes plastic cups and puts them up in the cabinet.  She makes counter-offers at garage sales.  When at Walmart, she only shops the sale racks.  If she were married to Donald Trump, she's still shop at Target so she could get more for her money.

She...well, I've made the point.  Anyway, determined to prove she was taking her diet plans seriously, she nagged me down to $100.  That's pretty impressive for Mom, so this news is going to be even more invigorating and motivating.

I got on the scales and I've lost 8 lbs.  Can you believe that?  In only 11 days!  I was so excited I immediately drove to Sonic and scarfed down a foot-long chili cheese coney.  I'm on the fast track here. I figure I can have a live-it-up lunch and still drop the rest by the turkey day. 

Seriously, though, the above paragraph was a joke.  Actually, I  realized that my scales were totally and completely screwed up.  I had to weigh at the grocery store to ascertain my real weight and was happy to see I had never gained 10 lbs. in the first place.  That part about the coney, though, that's the gospel truth.

Photo Humor

Since I just got back from the football game and we lost, I'm not feeling all that funny.  However, I'm not the only one in my family with a sense of humor.  Here is Vision at the carnival:

Imagine my surprise...

when I fired up the internet this afternoon and realized the blog had tired of my absence and begun posting it's own new and noteworthy items.   Until I read my very own blog post, I'd had no idea penguins were under attack on Texas interstate highways.

It was my daughter, Valentine, who is refusing to leave college for yet another semester.  In fairness, she wanted to break it off this summer, but the university just couldn't bear to do without her for the next 5 months and insisted she stay on.  They love her that way.

In order to supplement her crappy, college student income, Val applied for a job at a small local newspaper in the area and was hired on the spot.  She will be covering the crime beat  and reporting on Ag news.  I said, "The population can't be more that 100 people.  Are dairy farmers rampaging due to the price of milk in the fair hamlet?"

And Val said, "You'd be surprised, Mom.  There's lots of sex crimes around here."

Thank goodness it's not sheep country, right?  I did lie, however, because the first thing I said to her was, "How can you be a reporter?  You can't spell!"

She informed me that she had an editor.  I said, "Does he know you can't spell?"

So apparently, fresh from this new job as cub reporter, Val has decided to throw up a few posts on the blog in her free time.  At least Typepad hasn't been taken over by Hal.

funny...but not too

By: Wilma
I got this on an email so I have no idea if any of it is true....but it was worth a laugh..

These are funny, some could be true, good
for a giggle anyway.>Some guy bought a new fridge for his house.
To get rid of his old fridge, he  put it in
his front yard and hung a sign on it saying:
"Free to good home. You want it, you take it".
For three days the fridge sat there without
even one person looking twice at it. He
eventually decided that people were too 
untrusting of this deal. It looked to good
to be true, so he changed the sign to read:
"Fridge for sale $50". The next day someone >stole it. Caution ...
These people Vote
>While looking at a house, my brother asked
the real estate agent which direction was
North because, he explained, he didn't want
the sun waking him up every morning. She
asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?"
When my brother explained that the sun
rises in the East, and has for sometime, she
shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep
up with that stuff."  She votes too! I used to work in technical support for a
24/7 call center. One day I got a  call
from an individual who asked what hours
the call center was open. I told  him,
"The number you dialed is open 24 hours a
day, 7 days a week." He  responded, "Is
that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to
end the call quickly, I  said, "Uh, Pacific"
. . . . . . . .He ALSO votes! >My colleague and I were eating our lunch in
our cafeteria, when we overheard  one of the
administrative assistants talking about the
sunburn she got on her  weekend drive to the
shore. She drove down in a convertible, but
"didn't think she'd get sunburned because
the car was moving" . . She ALSO votes! My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car
It's designed to cut through a seat  belt if
she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk
.. . My sister ALSO votes! My friends and I were on a beer run and
noticed that the cases were discounted 10%.
Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases.
The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave
us a 20% discount. He ALSO votes! I was hanging out with a friend when we saw
a woman with a nose ring attached  to an
earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't
the chain rip out every time  she turned her
head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter
which way the head is turned. My friend ALSO votes! I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage
area. So I went to the lost  luggage office and
told the woman there that my bags never showed up.
She smiled and told me not to worry because she
was a trained professional and I was in good hands.
"Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?
. . . . .  SHE ALSO votes! While working at a Pizza Parlor I observed a man
ordering a small pizza to go.  He appeared to be
alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4  pieces or 6. He though about it for
some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4
pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to
eat 6 pieces. he votes too. And they walk among us, and reproduce.   

But It's Free!

This headline caused me to do a rapid, rubberneck blink:  Phony doctor gives free breast exams:

MIAMI (Reuters) - A 76-year-old man claiming to be a doctor went door-to-door in a Florida neighborhood offering free breast exams, and was charged with sexually assaulting two women who accepted the offer, police said on Thursday.

Um, yeah.  A door-to-door doctor offering to feel you up for free!  Who in their right mind would even entertain the idea of letting this man inside their home, let alone strip off for them?  Then my son noticed the punch line:

The woman then phoned the Broward County Sheriff's Office and the suspect fled. He was arrested at another woman's apartment in the same Lauderdale Lakes neighborhood on Wednesday, a sheriff's spokesman said.

Good ole Broward County.  Maybe they thought he was giving instructions on the butterfly ballot? 

We Can Dream, Can't We?

Mom sends this link, since Scott McClellan resigned yesterday, regarding a fabulous prospect for new White House Press Secretary:

For more upside on Bauer as McClellan's replacement, go to GOP and the City where the blogger who created the image offers a top 10 List to go with it.

Many political bloggers have been unhappy with McClellan for a while, as evidenced by this suggested replacement over at WuzzaDem back in November 2005.  His candidate may surprise you!

I love both ideas, so I'm declining to support either candidate at this time.

I Love Blogs!

Over at the American Spectator blog, Jed Babbin makes the following observation:

The Democrats aren’t the “Mommy Party” any longer. They’re the “Crazy aunt-in-the-attic party.”

Regarding the plight of Abdul Rahman in Afghanistan, Captain Ed remarks:

We performed a marvelous mission in Afghanistan by liberating 24 million people from brutal oppression and dismantling the terrorist network that operated openly under Osama bin Laden. We can consider that much a success and a necessity in the war on terror. We do not need to support a government that wishes to impose another flavor of radical shari'a in order to justify that mission. Karzai needs to know that, and know it now.

And speaking of our military missions overseas, if you aren't reading Bill Roggio's The Fourth Rail everyday, you are seriously missing some interesting information.

The Anchoress has a rant that is absolutely worth reading.  Don't miss it!!