live from the guillotine

Fun Times 5.5.09 Edition

This weekend Veritas, Val, and I planted flowers and worked on the beds in front of my house.  I call it The Class of 2009:

 
Val said, "And look!  All freshman again this year!" 

Veritas said, "How about Death Row 2009?"

I did, however, have two sophomores and planted more of the hearty little things.   Happily they were my favorites from Granny's garden:



While we were busy working, Vision was going to the prom.  This is her with her best friend, Rachel:

 

The sling adds a certain something, does it not? 

This evening I took Willard and his girlfriend, Autumn, to the band banquet:



Those of you who know Willard will get a chuckle out of the fact that his left arm is behind his back because he's hiding the Dr. Pepper he's holding. 

When he was getting dressed he said, "My pants are too tight.  I'm getting fat."

I said, "What are you up too now, porky?  33" waist?  You're huge!!"

I actually thought about posting these because my cousin, Shaila, had posted pictures of her son's prom on her blog.  She also posted pictures of her son before he left for a cheer banquet, and he was very California casual.  I was cussing them both for having it so easy while I was pressing Willard's shirt and suit last night, let me tell ya!

The pumpkin called Sunday to say, "Has anyone got the swine flu at your house, Granny?"

I said, "Nope.  But Willard smells like the swine flu!"

She started giggling and said, "I think that's what you have, Dad!"

She's only 4, but she's already got the family wit.   

Fun Times 4.26.09 Edition

I was cleaning out the car this afternoon and walked into the house to get some paper towels.  Vision looked at me and said, "Mom, are you okay?!?"

Just as I was going to reply, Willard walked by and said, "When you work really hard, Vision, you get this thing called 'sweat'.  You've probably never seen it before."

Just A Few More Pictures That Crack Me Up

My daughter-in-law, Veronica, was taking pictures of the pumpkin in their front yard in a tree.  Very cute:

 

Then she noticed the ants:

Being the ham she is, she tries to suck it up and continue to take pictures, but it's a pained experience:

I'm trying!  I really am.  But...ANTS!!!

Fun Times 4.25.09 Edition

I'm not a very good wife and mother.  I didn't post a thing about MrG or Viagra's birthday.  Fortunately, Mom did.  MrG here and Viagra here with this picture I love of the pumpkin and Viagra:

MrG is a redhead and Viagra got the white skin and the freckles, just not the red hair.  Then he married a redhead and it was no surprise that we had this adorable little redheaded pumpkin. 

Everyone has always speculated on why MrG and I have no redheaded kiddos, but I have no redheads in the extended family and a good deal of Indian blood.  I think my dominant genes canceled it out for my kids, but boy aren't their spouses going to be surprised by the crop of red we end up with in the grandchildren department?  Perhaps not as my oldest daughter, Val, is currently dating a redhead.  Willard's girlfriend is a redhead.  They seem determined, do they not?

Last summer, I became very, very tanned.  Very, very quickly.  That is what people with Indian genes do.  Val, Vision, and Willard do the same thing.  Like Viagra, Veritas has MrG's tanning abilities, which is to say, they turn red.  The Mexican lady who cleans our office came in and re-introduced herself to me.  I said, "Mary!  It's me.  Lana!"

And she said, "You don't look like no white girl!  What happened to you??"

A few days later I went over to see all the landscaping Viagra and Veronica had done in their front yard.  Keep in mind they are all so, so pale.  The pumpkin grabbed my hand, drug me into the garage, and exclaimed, "Granny!  What happened to you?  You're black!"

And as Mary so kindly pointed out, "Except your face.  You really need to do something about that makeup."

Fun Times! 4.19.09 Edition

So I talked to my sister, Henny, last night.  She met some of our favorite cousins, Mel and Mas, for lunch.  Apparently they made much fun of me for getting the date wrong; color me shocked that those three would make a million jokes at my expense.  Also, they made many of the jokes in back and forth email before Saturday just so I wouldn't miss out on the all the jesting at my expense.  They're giving like that.

Henny also wanted me to know that my adorable niece and nephew remember Aunt Lana.  It seems Hogie and Uncle B were at the store the other day and Hogie said, "Can we get some powdered donuts?"

Uncle B bought the powdered donuts, but since they never buy them was completely mystified at the request itself.  Henny was not and immediately asked, "Hogie, when did you have powdered donuts?"

"At Aunt Lana's house!"

She then put him on the phone so he could tell me himself and being a Mrs. Baird's brand snob, I actually asked if they got the good kind? 

"Oh yes, Aunt Lana.  We got the white ones!"

Yes.  I know.  I'm a brand snob about almost nothing, but I'm a purist when it comes to powdered donuts.  My maiden name is Hogan.  We Hogans are serious about our junk food.  Don't even get me started about the knock off Cheetos.

Then Henny said Ella might just have had a bonding moment with me also.  At the ripe old age of 2, Ella has renounced the use of honorifics and only calls me "Lana", but it's a sweet, delightful, sing-songy "Lana" that conveys the love, so I won't hold it against her. 

As Henny related, "I don't know if this is fact or fiction, but she keeps singing this song she assures me she learned from Laannna."

Raise your hand if you know me well enough to know that she most definitely learned this song at my house, regardless of what it is.  Raise your hand if you're surprised my sister even questioned it.  This is the same sister that invited me to help her with a teen camp, we were registering people together at the sign in, and eventually someone said, "Say anything!  ANYTHING!  They will find a way to sing a song about it!"

I was already laughing since I was pretty sure I knew what it was, "How does it go?"

"Its' Peanut Butter Jelly Time!  Peanut Butter Jelly Time!  Peanut Butter Jelly Time!  There ya go!  There ya go!"

"Never heard of it!"

In fact, we only watched it and sang it approximately 2000 times, give or take.  As I only see the little devils once every couple of months, I am thrilled I made an impression and they think about their Aunt Lana.  Also clear?  Since we're all related, food association is a great bonus in the bonding process. 

Mel stopped by on his way home to San Antonio to visit with me for a few hours.  This would be my cousin with the many degrees, at least one in history.  I don't know what the others are, but I believe they qualify him to win on Jeopardy!  for approximately 2 years or until they run out of questions and cancel the show.  At least, that's how his brother Mark tells it.

I know the kiddies will never forget the walking tour we took of The Alamo with Uncle Cousin Mel.  After waiting outside in the heat, in the middle of July for an hour, we finally entered The Alamo and Mel called us over for the first of his impromptu history and trivia lectures:

"You do realize why the Texans and the Mexicans fought to the death here on this sacred ground?  It was the only place in Texas with air conditioning."

My other favorite quote, "Be aware these are the original fire extinguishers."

As Mel was leaving, I was, of course, giving him crap because he hasn't sent me a funny email in months.  Then I apologized, "Well who am I to complain?  I don't think I've sent you a funny email in months either!"

And Mel said, "But I do read your blog!  Love the new picture.  Mark told me you were blogging again."

Mark?  Um, Mark???  Mark is his older brother and the total emails I've received from Mark, funny or otherwise, would total approximately 5.  Since the invention of email.  And that's a generous estimation of our ongoing correspondence.  Although I must say the nicest email I received was actually from Mark and if my computer hadn't crashed I'd still have it saved.   

 However, the last one-on-one time I spent with Mark, and not in a Robbie Benson way, was when we were both visiting his brother Mike in New York.  (Yes, I have noticed our family displays the disturbing tendency to start all siblings' names with the same letter or have them rhyme.  Now guess what my sister's real name is.  Hint:  Not Henny.)

But back to New York, Mark had a debilitating back issue, causing him to be in extreme pain and also in a wheel chair on the return trip.  As we happened to have the same flights, we flew together so that I could help Mark make it back to Texas in one piece.  As I was pushing the wheelchair the entire time, I'm not certain he returned in one piece, but I remember hoping he had some really good pain meds to make up for the fact that he was stuck with me as his in-flight health assistant. 

The last time we hung out he had no choice and was on drugs.  Forgive me for being just a wee bit surprised that he carefully follows my blog, but based on my dumbfounded look and question, "Mark reads my blog?!?!?"

Mel explained, "Aunt Wilma makes him."

"???"

"She says he needs to "bust a gut" laughing every morning, so he has to read your blog."

Potentially, that is a lot of pressure.  It all depends on whether he's supposed to be laughing with me or at me, does it not?  If it's with me, I'm now responsible for making a financial planner and broker, in this economy, giggle every morning.  If it's at me, well then.  No worries. 

As an aside, who else is reading this blog because my mother made you do it? 

Fun Times 4.18.09 Edition

Willard placed 6th in discus at the Varsity district track meet, qualifying him to letter in track as a freshman.  He's pretty excited about that last part needless to say.  Or as he said, "I get a letterman!"

And I said, "What will we do with him when get him and where will he sleep?"

Vision made the Varsity cheer squad at tryouts last night.  How is this possible with her arm in a sling?  Since she was incapacitated, they agreed to use her scores from last year.  My new blog picture is the pumpkin and I waiting with Vision at the school last night, having a little fun until the results came in. 

The pumpkin explained her stay in the hospital to several people like this, "I was sick at the hospital for NINE DAYS!  I had ammonia.   They put a IV and a tube in my side so I couldn't get away.  I got shots every day!"

Clearly, she's still pretty ticked off about the whole experience.  The pumpkin also spent the night.  When we picked her up, Viagra put her in the car and said, "You be good for Granny and Ninnin."

She just looked at him tiredly and said, "Yes suh!"

After he closed the door and we drove off, she said in an exasperated voice, "I'm always good for you, Granny.  Why doesn't he understand that?  I just don't know why he doesn't understand that!"

I said, "I have no idea, sweetie!"

At the same time Vision said, "Cause we'll spank you if you aren't good?"

Pumpkin said, "NO!  I hate spankins."

::Pause::

"I'm always good for you, Granny."

Vision and I just laughed. 

We got up this morning, made pancakes, and then went to our soon to be new grandson's baby shower.  He's due on June 24th.  His name is going to be "Nash".  Not being overly fond of this name, I'm hoping he'll be cute enough for it grow on me.  With the way his Daddy and his sister looked for the first year of their lives, I'm not really counting on that to happen.  Let's just say they grew into their amazing looks that second year of life. 

The other night, we were talking about this name, "Nash", and Willard says, "Is it's middle name going to be Steve?"

The funniest part, at least to me, is that they have these letters to hang on the wall that spell out "NASH".  When Veronica isn't looking, Viagra sneaks into the baby's room and rearranges them to spell "HANS". 

So, ja!  That's our news for the day.

Fun Times 4.5.09 Edition

Vision is doing great.  Well, teenager great.  She got up Saturday, took a shower, got dressed and planned her day as if she hadn't had surgery the day before.  She was done with the ice pack Saturday evening, slept all night with no meds, and got up Sunday griping about the fact that she was stuck in this house and just needed to get out and DO something.  Nevermind that Veritas came home and the entire bunch was here Saturday night watching movies 'til midnight.  Nevermind that everyone came back over for lunch Sunday and we had a fish fry.  So, we girls all went to Target and Vision was perfectly happy shopping. She was also perfectly happy while we watched the movie,"Twilight".

Veritas is not perfectly happy with Twilight.  She thinks, and I tend to agree, that Edward acts like a creepy stalker for the entire movie.  And, what kind of movie makes teenage girls adore and embrace creepy stalkers?  My guess would be this:

Teenage girls want someone to love them, often in a manner just shy of creepy stalker, they love the bad boys, but they also want the bad boy to love them so much they stop being bad boys, or vampires as the case may be, just because they love the girl so much they're willing to become good creepy stalkers. 

Which isn't a great improvement, but it's back within the realm of normal teenage interaction, is it not?  The teenage boy is simulateously torn between his own rampaging desires that potentially destroy the one he loves and loving her enough to do the right thing against all his instincts.  How many could possibly get this right?

Back to the movie, my literal daughter, Valentine said, "He's going to have to turn her into a vampire eventually because he's 17.  A few more years of him eternally 17 and her growing older and she's a child molester."

Bingo!

Tonight Vision's testy and back with the ice, because she hates the sling and sleeping on her back is seriously hacking her off.  Notice, there isn't much grousing about actual pain.  It's all about irritation and discomfort, so I'd say she's in excellent shape for the shape she's in.

As an aside, I'd like to mention my personal favorite "sick" moment.  I was home with Daddy.  I had the flu.  It was Sunday morning. Mom and Hen had gone on to church.  Daddy was feeding me fudge bars and asprin in the living room and we were watching "Lassy."  Frustrated with the plot pace, Daddy finally looked at me, looked at the television, and announced to Timmy, "It's Lassy, you dumbass, go with her."

Even as I type that, it brings a smile to my face.  As I keep telling my children, life is about the humor and the gratitude.  It's good to laugh every day.  It's good to appreciate all the blessings you have every day.  Are we not called to be of good cheer and count our blessings? 

Also, don't be a dumbass.

Fun Times 4.3.09 Edition

April 1st, 2009.  Due to three of my children being diabolically excellent at April Fool's Jokes, this might actually qualify as the worst hypothetical day of my life.  It was only hypothetical because none of it was true, of course.  Too bad I found that out way late in the day.  The day I found out Valentine was forced into a shotgun marriage due to an unplanned pregnancy and my husband knew all about it but refused to tell me.  The day Veritas announced she'd be spending the summer in an unwed mother's home in Virginia.  The day Willard brought home the note announcing his removal from class by security because he refused to leave and called the teacher vile names under his breath. 

Also.  Happy.  Freakin'.  26th. Anniversary. 

I just want to get this down for posterity and also as a reminder of the fabulous and hilarious jokes I can help my grandchildren play on their parents.  Please send any and all truly awful ideas.  I'm so up for it.

The pumpkin spent the night last night.  We were laying in bed.  I was hoping she would finally go to sleep.  She was hoping she would be able to talk all night.  The TV was on and that Ambien commerical came on.  You know the one where the lady keeps waking up in the middle of the night with a rooster crowing at just the wrong time?

And the pumpkin says, "We need to get that!"

And I said, "Ambien?!?"

And she said, "Yeah!  Ambien."

And I said, "Er, Why?"

And she said, "Cause if you don't have it, Granny, chickens come and sleep with you!"

As opposed to pumpkins?

Vision had day surgery today.  Her shoulder has been a mess for her this last year.  Resting it hasn't helped, not tumbling and doing the triple throw down zip spin back flip hasn't helped, physical therapy hasn't helped, so we did all the doctor stuff you do before they tell you she needs a scope. 

We had the scope today.  The pumpkin was mad that we wouldn't let her go to the hospital with us this morning and dropped her off at home on the way.  That's a miracle, 'cause she said she was never going back to the hospital for any reason.  She loves her Aunt Ninnin, I guess, or was eager to find new reasons to yell at doctors.

Vision is doing well so far.  According to the doctors, this is a really painful surgery so I'm concerned, but Vision is tough as a boot, as evidenced by that fact that she's hacked off at me because I wouldn't let her go to the movies tonight with her best friend.  As far as she's concerned, she's fine.  We'll wait for the universal pain block to wear down in order to make an official call, but she's in the living room watching "10 Things I Hate About You" with Veritas and Rachel, so she's in pretty good shape.   

Pray for a good weekend.  I know I am!

A Funny For Veritas From...Your Mom

So Valentine walks into the mall one night last month and sees Willard's buddies, Max and Jake, loitering by the door.  Val says, "Hey guys, who ya lookin' for?"

And they both say, "Your Mom!!"

Val laughs and says, "Seriously, what are you guys doin'?"

"Waitin' on Your Mom!!"

Val, of course, gets that investigator look on her face as if these poor boys have been reduced to calling the neighbors to pick them up at the mall due to child neglect.  Sensing this, the boys burst into laughter and say, "Willard ran around the corner to hide when we saw you coming in.  We're really waiting on your Mom!"

The pumpkin was over tonight.  She's almost her normal self and it is so good to see. I haven't seen her in over a week since  I was sick last week and she doesn't need to be around anyone who is sick according to sane people everywhere.  What with the fact that she'd just come home from the hospital, it's been hard, but I was finally well and we went out for ice cream last night.  Fun times!  She was adamant that she would also come over this morning, but I had to work and the kiddies had to go to school, so I told her she could come over Friday.  I was surprised when they dropped by tonight. 

She was busy giving me crap this evening, dontcha know.  My guess is, bouyed by her new healthiness she needs her sarcasm, joke outlet, and dance partner back.   We were eating and she said, "It tastes like...(cuts her eyes at me)...old woman!"

Yeah, she's back with bells on.  She insisted on spending the night again, but I told her, "This weekend baby girl!"

And I walked her to the car, we sang about the moon and chased our shadows, and she said, "I love you Granny."

It just doesn't get any better than that.  Well, the part where she had NSYNC "Bye, Bye, Bye" playing on Vision's Ipod, convinced Willard to dance for her, and Vision recorded it and posted it up on MySpace was almost that good.  As I said, Fun Times!

Her Mommy informs  me that they were discussing where the pumpkin would go to college and she said, "I guess I'll go to pawtown!"

Keep workin' in, Veritas.  I think you've got a convert!  I'm assuming, however, that she believes you'll still be there.  Chilling, that.

Speaking of chilling, Willard came in fourth, fourth in the high jump this evening at the freshman track meet.  This would be the event that allowed him a varsity spot.  Sigh.   He slipped and slid in his second jump for 5'10 and never recovered.  He won the disc walking away, even beating at least one varsity qualifying score and just practicing these last three weeks.  Bishop says if he keeps it up he'll definitely get a track scholarship.  Given these dismal economic times, I'm overjoyed with that possibility.

As I told my Daddy this evening, I bet you never in your wildest dreams thought you'd have a grandkid in college on a track scholarship.  What ARE the odds?  Daddy mentioned the milkman...twice. 

Ouch!  Am I that clumsy?  Nevermind. 

Kitty Update

Again, thanks for all the prayers, calls, and emails.  Our Kitty is home from the hospital this evening!  Praise God!  The difference between what the doctors were saying on Monday to what they were saying on Thursday has been like night and day.  We are very thankful and joyous today. 

Also, we are very mindful of the other children we saw and met in the ICU who do not have such a promising prognosis today.  And isn't it just like God to meet us in our time of crisis, wrap his arms around us, love us, and gently remind us to count our many blessings all at the same time?