(Then I got to thinking, what if men sent out this email to their friends? So I wrote this one up for the guys.)
Six married women will be dropped on an island with a car and 4 kids each for 6 weeks.
Each woman will be required to change the oil, replace the spark plugs, and fix two flats on the vehicle during the 6 weeks. The women will also need to call a mechanic, explain in terms understandable to the mechanic the problem, and discuss possible solutions. She’ll need to drop the car off, pick it up, and have an intelligent discussion with said mechanic. Mechanics vote the first woman off the island.
There is no grocery store. The women must stalk and kill wild game, gut it, skin it, and cook it over a camp fire built with wood they’ve gathered with their own two hands.
Each woman must take care of her 4 kids, erect a shelter using tree limbs, insist the kids help as part of an extra credit school project, correct children’s unrealistic attitudes, teach the boys how to deal with a bully, explain to the girls about men, and barter with another woman to enhance her home or life with no tangible goods exchanged.
Each woman will have to fix a toilet with duct tape, a butter knife, and plumber’s putty & do it while a man pisses, moans, and threatens to move in with his mother in the process.
One ½ acre yard will be distributed to each woman and she will be solely responsible for mowing, edging, weed-eating, fertilizing, landscaping, and at least two times she will repair mechanical problems with the lawnmower. If she even entertains the thought of saying a cuss word in front of the children, she’s voted off the island.
Each woman must also be chastised each time she sits, stands, or eats. She will never do anything right, there will be no mercy, and professional naggers will be brought in to emphasis her personal shortcomings on a daily basis. She must not only listen sincerely, she must be appreciative of all constructive criticism and enthusiastically agree that she is worthless. When she does all of these things perfectly, she will still be banished to sleeping on the couch for no less than one week.
Each woman will be responsible for looking just as hot as she was the day she married. Weight put on will be lost, dressing in baggy sweats will not be tolerated, and “I have a headache” will be voted off the island.
The women will only have access to a telephone in order to bitch about their day after the kids are asleep, the chores are all done, and their husband is dead.
There is only one telephone, and for once, she’ll have to put her foot down and be the bad guy.
The women must shave their faces, wear cologne, dress in clean clothing, and be deemed unworthy of affection 3 times each evening while being castigated about socks left on the floor for approximately 20 minutes. There are no bonus points for sucking up, there is no way to stop the tirade, and the first woman to throw her hands in the air and say “to hell with this” is immediately voted off the island.
Each woman must present herself, front and center, to her mother-in-law and assorted relatives, and listen to what an incredibly poor choice her husband made in selecting a mate. This will go on for weekends, holidays, and 4th of July picnics until hell freezes over. If she dares complain or neglect to go, she’s voted off the island.
During one of the six weeks, they will endure their husband having completely unreasonable demands, volatile temper, irrational expectations, aggressive irritability, insane mood swings, unceasing hostility, and head-spinning, pea soup-spitting craziness but never once complain or slow down from their duties. In the event they fail to keep a smile on their face, a pleasant demeanor, and a caring attitude, they will not get laid until hell freezes over or exactly 10 days later.
Each woman must coach baseball, football, soccer, and basketball. The uniforms must fit, the equipment must be present and accounted for, and every child must be encouraged and pushed to their individual ability. They must deal with goofy Mom's unrealistic expectations of their child's abilities and then explain why the team’s not winning. They must argue and win with umpires and referees, while keeping an upbeat atmosphere for the team.
They must pull over on the side of the road at the children’s request and explain the difference between a hawk and vulture, preferably standing over roadkill. They must jump out of a truck and demonstrate the correct way to catch an armadillo. They must catch a snake. They must teach the children to shoot a shotgun and actually hit something with it.
A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each mother will be required to know all of the following information: which child can bait a hook, which child can drive the boat, which child can change a flat, each child’s personal gun safety assessment, areas needing improvement, and which child knows what Mom wants for her birthday.
Also, each child’s favorite baseball glove, favorite gun, favorite place to hang out at the farm, dream firework, biggest flaw, driving ability, friend who does not need to be brought home, and what they ought to be when they grow up.
Each woman must clean up after the toilet overflows, clean out the “P” trap under the sink, light the water heater, replace the faucets, dig out the sewer pipes, kill mice and rats, and take the small, remaining piece of the dog to the vet with sobbing child in tow.
The last woman wins ONLY if…she still has enough love and compassion, at a moment’s notice, to silently forgive and accept being berated for thinking she’s worthy of love and attention after HIS DAY!!
If the last woman does win, she can play the game over and over and over again for the next 18-25 years…..eventually earning the right to be called:
DAD!!
You obviously don't know what true women are made of!
Posted by: Sarah | November 11, 2008 at 10:06 AM