live from the guillotine: Mawage

(Reading a fishing forum, Mr. G came across a post from a gentleman asking for advice on marriage and how to make it work. Mr. G asked me to respond.)

The most important key to a successful marriage is simple: marry the right person. The best way to avoid pesky disputes is to marry someone who agrees with you almost all of the time. Love does not conquer all. To the contrary, love sometimes doesn't even conquer a dispute over toothpaste squeezing. Why create needless strife by marrying an argument waiting to happen?

Scenario One: Conservative Republican marries Conservative Republican:

Wife: The Republicans in the Senate must stop the filibuster and force a vote on Bush's judicial nominees!

Husband: As usual, my dear, you are a right-thinking Republican babe.

Wife: Come give a big, ole smooch, you big, right-wing stud!

Scenario Two: Conservative Republican Husband marries Liberal Democrat Wife:

Wife: The Republicans are shredding the fabric of our Constitution and will bring the republic crashing down upon our heads with their tyranny of the Majority ramming these judges down the throats of the country!

Husband: Darling, that seems a bit extreme. After all...

(two hours worth of heated debate with nothing agree upon except this...)

Wife: As long as Bushhitler's in office, and you helped put him there, you're sleeping on the couch.

As can be seen from the two examples, marrying a battle you know you're going fight is not the key to nuptial bliss. Any dearly and deeply held values or convictions should be shared before the marriage takes place. This way you will free up precious time to argue about trivial, silly things like whose turn it is to pick up the dry cleaning and the dirty socks on the floor.

Another reason for divorce is monetary disputes, so do not marry until one of you is wealthy. Having a lot of cash lying around after all the bills are paid works wonders for the relationship. Arguments over whether to join the country club or the health club can be easily solved if one solution involves saying, "What the heck! We're loaded. Let's do both."

Children are often a source of marital tensions. Indeed some of the finest, most glorious battles in the history of marriage have been fought over such burning issues as should we drive 100 miles in the car to replace a forgotten basketball jersey for little Frank or should he reap the consequences of his thoughtlessness?

In addition, children cost money and could well drain the wealth of the marriage to the point that money becomes a problem. You could have to sell the fishing boat or let lapse the gym membership in order to pay for little Susie's braces. So to avoid this marriage destroyer, do not have children. If, for instance, you'd planned on 5 children, this spares the happy couple up to 5 arguments per day.

Couples need time together, so marry someone who shares your hobbies and interests. Hobbies need not be identical, as fishing and reading can be nicely combined into a weekend outing. Fishing and blogging, however, are never going to work simultaneously.

This can be easily worked around if one spouse blogs the other spouse's fishing trip. Although, technically the time is not actually spent together, the couple can bond while admiring pictures of the fish on the website and emailing them to jealous friends and relatives. Be creative!

Finally, men and women see things differently and no matter how compatible the couple may be, conflict will arise. Men tend to think sex solves everything and women tend to think it solves nothing, so compromise is in order. One option is to go ahead and see if sex solves the problem. If it doesn't, you'll be too exhausted to think up any really damaging insults to hurl. In addition, you just might fall asleep before you can work up enough righteous indignation to start the whole mess up again.

A wise person once said, "Never go to bed at night angry with each other," so a second option is to filibuster, all night long and into the next day if necessary, until the other party drops from fatigue or concedes the point. Only Democrats should use this second option.

As always, guillotine readers are encouraged to submit their own marriage tips in the comments. We all have an obligation to help the younger generation sort out their problems and have happy marriages!