live from the guillotine

Fun Times 5.5.09 Edition

This weekend Veritas, Val, and I planted flowers and worked on the beds in front of my house.  I call it The Class of 2009:

 
Val said, "And look!  All freshman again this year!" 

Veritas said, "How about Death Row 2009?"

I did, however, have two sophomores and planted more of the hearty little things.   Happily they were my favorites from Granny's garden:



While we were busy working, Vision was going to the prom.  This is her with her best friend, Rachel:

 

The sling adds a certain something, does it not? 

This evening I took Willard and his girlfriend, Autumn, to the band banquet:



Those of you who know Willard will get a chuckle out of the fact that his left arm is behind his back because he's hiding the Dr. Pepper he's holding. 

When he was getting dressed he said, "My pants are too tight.  I'm getting fat."

I said, "What are you up too now, porky?  33" waist?  You're huge!!"

I actually thought about posting these because my cousin, Shaila, had posted pictures of her son's prom on her blog.  She also posted pictures of her son before he left for a cheer banquet, and he was very California casual.  I was cussing them both for having it so easy while I was pressing Willard's shirt and suit last night, let me tell ya!

The pumpkin called Sunday to say, "Has anyone got the swine flu at your house, Granny?"

I said, "Nope.  But Willard smells like the swine flu!"

She started giggling and said, "I think that's what you have, Dad!"

She's only 4, but she's already got the family wit.   

Interesting...

I've never made a secret of the fact that I think far too many women have unrealistic, completely irrational expectations for their men and make themselves and their men miserable in the process.  Men are far from perfect, but in these politically correct times we don't often hear about women's imperfections.   Let's face it, we're all sinners in need of grace, are we not?

Three or four years ago there was an email circulating about a men's survivor series where the men had to do all the things that Moms do or be voted off the island and like most of you, I read it and laughed.  And then it irritated me, because Dads do a great deal for their children, many times they are literally unsung heros, and if a man wrote a similar email about Moms he'd be voted, well, off the island.

So I wrote one myself.  To this day, even when I wasn't blogging, it remains the most read item I've ever written.  So here's a blurb and a link:

Six married women will be dropped on an island with a car and 4 kids each for 6 weeks. 

Each woman will be required to change the oil, replace the spark plugs, and fix two flats on the vehicle during the 6 weeks.  The women will also need to call a mechanic, explain in terms understandable to the mechanic the problem, and discuss possible solutions.  She’ll need to drop the car off, pick it up, and have an intelligent discussion with said mechanic.  Mechanics vote the first woman off the island.

There is no grocery store.  The women must stalk and kill wild game, gut it, skin it, and cook it over a camp fire built with wood they’ve gathered with their own two hands.   

Each woman must take care of her 4 kids, erect a shelter using tree limbs, insist the kids help as part of an extra credit school project, correct children’s unrealistic attitudes, teach the boys how to deal with a bully, explain to the girls about men, and barter with another woman to enhance her home or life with no tangible goods exchanged.

Each woman will have to fix a toilet with duct tape, a butter knife, and plumber’s putty & do it while a man pisses, moans, and threatens to move in with his mother in the process.

Fun Times 4.26.09 Edition

I was cleaning out the car this afternoon and walked into the house to get some paper towels.  Vision looked at me and said, "Mom, are you okay?!?"

Just as I was going to reply, Willard walked by and said, "When you work really hard, Vision, you get this thing called 'sweat'.  You've probably never seen it before."

Just A Few More Pictures That Crack Me Up

My daughter-in-law, Veronica, was taking pictures of the pumpkin in their front yard in a tree.  Very cute:

 

Then she noticed the ants:

Being the ham she is, she tries to suck it up and continue to take pictures, but it's a pained experience:

I'm trying!  I really am.  But...ANTS!!!

Fun Times 4.25.09 Edition

I'm not a very good wife and mother.  I didn't post a thing about MrG or Viagra's birthday.  Fortunately, Mom did.  MrG here and Viagra here with this picture I love of the pumpkin and Viagra:

MrG is a redhead and Viagra got the white skin and the freckles, just not the red hair.  Then he married a redhead and it was no surprise that we had this adorable little redheaded pumpkin. 

Everyone has always speculated on why MrG and I have no redheaded kiddos, but I have no redheads in the extended family and a good deal of Indian blood.  I think my dominant genes canceled it out for my kids, but boy aren't their spouses going to be surprised by the crop of red we end up with in the grandchildren department?  Perhaps not as my oldest daughter, Val, is currently dating a redhead.  Willard's girlfriend is a redhead.  They seem determined, do they not?

Last summer, I became very, very tanned.  Very, very quickly.  That is what people with Indian genes do.  Val, Vision, and Willard do the same thing.  Like Viagra, Veritas has MrG's tanning abilities, which is to say, they turn red.  The Mexican lady who cleans our office came in and re-introduced herself to me.  I said, "Mary!  It's me.  Lana!"

And she said, "You don't look like no white girl!  What happened to you??"

A few days later I went over to see all the landscaping Viagra and Veronica had done in their front yard.  Keep in mind they are all so, so pale.  The pumpkin grabbed my hand, drug me into the garage, and exclaimed, "Granny!  What happened to you?  You're black!"

And as Mary so kindly pointed out, "Except your face.  You really need to do something about that makeup."

Fun Times! 4.19.09 Edition

So I talked to my sister, Henny, last night.  She met some of our favorite cousins, Mel and Mas, for lunch.  Apparently they made much fun of me for getting the date wrong; color me shocked that those three would make a million jokes at my expense.  Also, they made many of the jokes in back and forth email before Saturday just so I wouldn't miss out on the all the jesting at my expense.  They're giving like that.

Henny also wanted me to know that my adorable niece and nephew remember Aunt Lana.  It seems Hogie and Uncle B were at the store the other day and Hogie said, "Can we get some powdered donuts?"

Uncle B bought the powdered donuts, but since they never buy them was completely mystified at the request itself.  Henny was not and immediately asked, "Hogie, when did you have powdered donuts?"

"At Aunt Lana's house!"

She then put him on the phone so he could tell me himself and being a Mrs. Baird's brand snob, I actually asked if they got the good kind? 

"Oh yes, Aunt Lana.  We got the white ones!"

Yes.  I know.  I'm a brand snob about almost nothing, but I'm a purist when it comes to powdered donuts.  My maiden name is Hogan.  We Hogans are serious about our junk food.  Don't even get me started about the knock off Cheetos.

Then Henny said Ella might just have had a bonding moment with me also.  At the ripe old age of 2, Ella has renounced the use of honorifics and only calls me "Lana", but it's a sweet, delightful, sing-songy "Lana" that conveys the love, so I won't hold it against her. 

As Henny related, "I don't know if this is fact or fiction, but she keeps singing this song she assures me she learned from Laannna."

Raise your hand if you know me well enough to know that she most definitely learned this song at my house, regardless of what it is.  Raise your hand if you're surprised my sister even questioned it.  This is the same sister that invited me to help her with a teen camp, we were registering people together at the sign in, and eventually someone said, "Say anything!  ANYTHING!  They will find a way to sing a song about it!"

I was already laughing since I was pretty sure I knew what it was, "How does it go?"

"Its' Peanut Butter Jelly Time!  Peanut Butter Jelly Time!  Peanut Butter Jelly Time!  There ya go!  There ya go!"

"Never heard of it!"

In fact, we only watched it and sang it approximately 2000 times, give or take.  As I only see the little devils once every couple of months, I am thrilled I made an impression and they think about their Aunt Lana.  Also clear?  Since we're all related, food association is a great bonus in the bonding process. 

Mel stopped by on his way home to San Antonio to visit with me for a few hours.  This would be my cousin with the many degrees, at least one in history.  I don't know what the others are, but I believe they qualify him to win on Jeopardy!  for approximately 2 years or until they run out of questions and cancel the show.  At least, that's how his brother Mark tells it.

I know the kiddies will never forget the walking tour we took of The Alamo with Uncle Cousin Mel.  After waiting outside in the heat, in the middle of July for an hour, we finally entered The Alamo and Mel called us over for the first of his impromptu history and trivia lectures:

"You do realize why the Texans and the Mexicans fought to the death here on this sacred ground?  It was the only place in Texas with air conditioning."

My other favorite quote, "Be aware these are the original fire extinguishers."

As Mel was leaving, I was, of course, giving him crap because he hasn't sent me a funny email in months.  Then I apologized, "Well who am I to complain?  I don't think I've sent you a funny email in months either!"

And Mel said, "But I do read your blog!  Love the new picture.  Mark told me you were blogging again."

Mark?  Um, Mark???  Mark is his older brother and the total emails I've received from Mark, funny or otherwise, would total approximately 5.  Since the invention of email.  And that's a generous estimation of our ongoing correspondence.  Although I must say the nicest email I received was actually from Mark and if my computer hadn't crashed I'd still have it saved.   

 However, the last one-on-one time I spent with Mark, and not in a Robbie Benson way, was when we were both visiting his brother Mike in New York.  (Yes, I have noticed our family displays the disturbing tendency to start all siblings' names with the same letter or have them rhyme.  Now guess what my sister's real name is.  Hint:  Not Henny.)

But back to New York, Mark had a debilitating back issue, causing him to be in extreme pain and also in a wheel chair on the return trip.  As we happened to have the same flights, we flew together so that I could help Mark make it back to Texas in one piece.  As I was pushing the wheelchair the entire time, I'm not certain he returned in one piece, but I remember hoping he had some really good pain meds to make up for the fact that he was stuck with me as his in-flight health assistant. 

The last time we hung out he had no choice and was on drugs.  Forgive me for being just a wee bit surprised that he carefully follows my blog, but based on my dumbfounded look and question, "Mark reads my blog?!?!?"

Mel explained, "Aunt Wilma makes him."

"???"

"She says he needs to "bust a gut" laughing every morning, so he has to read your blog."

Potentially, that is a lot of pressure.  It all depends on whether he's supposed to be laughing with me or at me, does it not?  If it's with me, I'm now responsible for making a financial planner and broker, in this economy, giggle every morning.  If it's at me, well then.  No worries. 

As an aside, who else is reading this blog because my mother made you do it? 

Fun Times 4.18.09 Edition

Willard placed 6th in discus at the Varsity district track meet, qualifying him to letter in track as a freshman.  He's pretty excited about that last part needless to say.  Or as he said, "I get a letterman!"

And I said, "What will we do with him when get him and where will he sleep?"

Vision made the Varsity cheer squad at tryouts last night.  How is this possible with her arm in a sling?  Since she was incapacitated, they agreed to use her scores from last year.  My new blog picture is the pumpkin and I waiting with Vision at the school last night, having a little fun until the results came in. 

The pumpkin explained her stay in the hospital to several people like this, "I was sick at the hospital for NINE DAYS!  I had ammonia.   They put a IV and a tube in my side so I couldn't get away.  I got shots every day!"

Clearly, she's still pretty ticked off about the whole experience.  The pumpkin also spent the night.  When we picked her up, Viagra put her in the car and said, "You be good for Granny and Ninnin."

She just looked at him tiredly and said, "Yes suh!"

After he closed the door and we drove off, she said in an exasperated voice, "I'm always good for you, Granny.  Why doesn't he understand that?  I just don't know why he doesn't understand that!"

I said, "I have no idea, sweetie!"

At the same time Vision said, "Cause we'll spank you if you aren't good?"

Pumpkin said, "NO!  I hate spankins."

::Pause::

"I'm always good for you, Granny."

Vision and I just laughed. 

We got up this morning, made pancakes, and then went to our soon to be new grandson's baby shower.  He's due on June 24th.  His name is going to be "Nash".  Not being overly fond of this name, I'm hoping he'll be cute enough for it grow on me.  With the way his Daddy and his sister looked for the first year of their lives, I'm not really counting on that to happen.  Let's just say they grew into their amazing looks that second year of life. 

The other night, we were talking about this name, "Nash", and Willard says, "Is it's middle name going to be Steve?"

The funniest part, at least to me, is that they have these letters to hang on the wall that spell out "NASH".  When Veronica isn't looking, Viagra sneaks into the baby's room and rearranges them to spell "HANS". 

So, ja!  That's our news for the day.

Tea Part-AY in Belton, TX 4.15.09

Today we attended the Tea Party in our little community of about 25,000 people.  My oldest daughter, Val, is the President of the Young Republicans in Bell County and Mr. G and I showed up to help her pass out programs and take pictures.  The organizers were expecting around 500 people.  The final count was over 2,000.  As I was uploading the pictures I named the folder "Tea Party" but then realizing it would probably not be the last, added the date.  This was a fine start!

Pretty good turn out for a Wednesday afternoon rally that started at 4:00, before most people's work day is over:

But not everyone, as these ladies pointed out.  I just wandered around asking if I could take people's pictures and ya gotta love Texas 'cause everyone was enthusiastic about mugging it up for posterity.   Texas is a conservative, freedom loving state and we had the signs to prove it:

Odd fact.  This is the engineer from a job Mr. G is currently working on.  There were people today from all walks of life.  I saw a doctor get off a Harley, tuck his helmet under his arm, still in his scrubs, to attend.  Having been around the hospital in the last few  months, first with the pumpkin's stay and then Vision's surgery I've noticed the coolest fact about doctors in Texas.  The vast majority wear boots with their scrubs.  Is this a great state or what?

More great Texas Tea Party Signs:

As many have noted, there are young and old at these Tea Parties, but this mother and son especially caught my eye.  He's the little red head in the right bottom corner:

And here's his sign!

Okay, I'll just stop commenting now and let the great Americans from the great state of Texas have their say:

Many flags.  This one said "Liberty".  Tons of American flags and patriotic shirts, hats, pins, etc. 

And there were quite a few signs on this most excellent theme:

 

  This sign says, "Texas OUR Texas...Preserve the Heritage our Founding Fathers Fought For!"

This being Texas, obligatory reference to our first flag and fight for independence from Mexico; a lone star, THE cannon, and the defiant words, "Come And Take It":

Shot of the crowd.  Most had tea bags hanging everywhere.  On their signs, on their glasses, waving them, attached to hats, clipped to shirts.  Tea bags everywhere:

Bless her heart, her spelling is almost as bad as mine, but her heart is in exactly the right place:

 

Note the newsbabe in the background.  She interviewed several in the crowd but also spent half her time interviewing the 12-15 counter protesters and eventually set up her camera between the two groups in the sign face-off.  More about that later.  Back to the signs:

Then the "right-wing extremists" showed up and obviously, I got a little nervous:

  Boo!

And doesn't that say it all?  I loved this lady because she's got the patriotic outfit and as an added bonus, the little Betsy Ross cap.  What's not to love?

  

Among my favorites of the entire day:

Just ordinary, happy people wondering what is going to happen to their country with this kind of spending and more importantly, what is going to happen to their children and their grandchildren who are being forced to shoulder this debt. 

 

And they've had quite enough, thank you very much:

 

 

This might be my favorite sign:

The Protest of the Tea Party Protest

So.  Yeah.  About 15-20 people showed up to counter our Tea Party/Tax Day Rally with signs of their own.  Hey, it's a free country.  Loved the one that says," Tantrums Equal Anti-American".  So it's okay NOW that Obama's in charge to question people's patriotism?  Check!  Also loved the Insani-Tea.  No argument really, just, you're crazy! Take that!  I don't really get the, "Don't Pee On My Leg and Call it Tea", thing:

But urine figured in on this sign on the right as well, so this pee-pee meme could take off.  You're peeing on me.  _____________?  Obama!!!  Plus this middle sign, which is short and sweet, much like President "I won", "You guys lost.  Get over it."  Just like you guys in 2000?  We'll get right on that. 

They'd perched on a slight incline behind us and after our tea party was over the crowd turned to leave and the counter-protesters were directly in the path of the perhaps crazed, possibly violent, could turn ugly at the drop of an economic down turn right-wing extremists who also believe in God, life, and border enforcement.  Even the ones with strollers and toddlers, because this insaniti-TEA fest is close to Ft. Hood and you just don't have ANY IDEA how many disgruntled veterans may be running around giving combat tips, when strollers attack lessons, and paramilitary training to parents, children and the elderly .  We had scads of veterans and insane folks, who like the founding fathers were fairly pissy about federal spending and oh so radical about state and local rights.  I felt fairly certain, based on the recent Department of Homeland Security report of the Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy (Hey Hillary! Good to see you again!  Nice pantsuit!  Who's your new friend Janet?)  that it would end in mayhem and bloodshed. 

I can still hear the tormented screams of the counter-protesters as they were crushed under the stroller wheels.  I will never forget the shrieking as the stampeding grannies beat them with signs, and also that goth girl whose shriveled them as they fell with a dark look of indifference.   I'd guess they pee'd themselves as they fell, but that would be tacky. 

But seriously, there was this interesting sign face off.  The tea party attendees walked until they were about 10 yards from the counter-protesters and then they did the unthinkable.  I was hiding behind a tree.  They brandished their signs:

And then the dread God talk, "Blessed is the nation whose God is the Lord, Psalms 33:12".  Terrifying indeed!  

As they faced each other off I did so want to yell, "Red Rover, Red Rover, Let the Liberals Come Over!!"

Amazingly enough, they just flashed their signs at one another and called it a day.  Another day in the republic if we choose to keep it.  Mr. G pointed out the only really troubling thing about the counter-protesters. Practically no American flags.  Why don't these folks self-identify as proud Americans?  This is the most amazing country, of endless opportunity, in the history of the world.  Even when we don't like the direction of any administration, when and how did we manage to forget we are the most blessed people on earth to live here and wave our signs and flags? 

When, exactly, did we as a nation stop being Americans first? Fighting about things?  Sure.   Taking it outside the family?  I don't get that.  At least in Texas, I felt confident that I could have walked over to the counter-protesters, introduced myself, taken pictures, and had a fine time.  I didn't think for a minute that if my car wouldn't start after the rally, any one of them wouldn't have given me a boost, handed me a cell phone, or given me a ride home.  This is Texas, after all.  I'm not so confident about the rest of the nation.  I hope I'm wrong. 

And just to dot the i's and cross the t's there was this lady:

In so many ways she's right on the money!   People were confused by her dual message, but I think she had it just right.  We let Bush get away with all this spending and now Obama's taking it on the World Road Tour!!!  Republicans have contributed to this mess, no question.  The Democrats are worse, don't get me wrong, but it is only a matter of degree.  If you've been electing the bums of either party, throw them out!  It's the only way we'll survive as a nation. 

Seriously?

Let me see if I understand this correctly.  North Korea launches a long range missile and one of the few cuts we can possibly "afford" in Obama's gargantuan budget is in...missile defense.

Is it just me or is our current President attempting the heretofore impossible goal of actually rehabilitating Jimmy Carter's prestige on the world stage?

And to my fellow Americans who elected this dope and change.  Congratulations!  It's landing soon in a city near you! 

Assume the position. 

Fun Times 4.5.09 Edition

Vision is doing great.  Well, teenager great.  She got up Saturday, took a shower, got dressed and planned her day as if she hadn't had surgery the day before.  She was done with the ice pack Saturday evening, slept all night with no meds, and got up Sunday griping about the fact that she was stuck in this house and just needed to get out and DO something.  Nevermind that Veritas came home and the entire bunch was here Saturday night watching movies 'til midnight.  Nevermind that everyone came back over for lunch Sunday and we had a fish fry.  So, we girls all went to Target and Vision was perfectly happy shopping. She was also perfectly happy while we watched the movie,"Twilight".

Veritas is not perfectly happy with Twilight.  She thinks, and I tend to agree, that Edward acts like a creepy stalker for the entire movie.  And, what kind of movie makes teenage girls adore and embrace creepy stalkers?  My guess would be this:

Teenage girls want someone to love them, often in a manner just shy of creepy stalker, they love the bad boys, but they also want the bad boy to love them so much they stop being bad boys, or vampires as the case may be, just because they love the girl so much they're willing to become good creepy stalkers. 

Which isn't a great improvement, but it's back within the realm of normal teenage interaction, is it not?  The teenage boy is simulateously torn between his own rampaging desires that potentially destroy the one he loves and loving her enough to do the right thing against all his instincts.  How many could possibly get this right?

Back to the movie, my literal daughter, Valentine said, "He's going to have to turn her into a vampire eventually because he's 17.  A few more years of him eternally 17 and her growing older and she's a child molester."

Bingo!

Tonight Vision's testy and back with the ice, because she hates the sling and sleeping on her back is seriously hacking her off.  Notice, there isn't much grousing about actual pain.  It's all about irritation and discomfort, so I'd say she's in excellent shape for the shape she's in.

As an aside, I'd like to mention my personal favorite "sick" moment.  I was home with Daddy.  I had the flu.  It was Sunday morning. Mom and Hen had gone on to church.  Daddy was feeding me fudge bars and asprin in the living room and we were watching "Lassy."  Frustrated with the plot pace, Daddy finally looked at me, looked at the television, and announced to Timmy, "It's Lassy, you dumbass, go with her."

Even as I type that, it brings a smile to my face.  As I keep telling my children, life is about the humor and the gratitude.  It's good to laugh every day.  It's good to appreciate all the blessings you have every day.  Are we not called to be of good cheer and count our blessings? 

Also, don't be a dumbass.

Fun Times 4.3.09 Edition

April 1st, 2009.  Due to three of my children being diabolically excellent at April Fool's Jokes, this might actually qualify as the worst hypothetical day of my life.  It was only hypothetical because none of it was true, of course.  Too bad I found that out way late in the day.  The day I found out Valentine was forced into a shotgun marriage due to an unplanned pregnancy and my husband knew all about it but refused to tell me.  The day Veritas announced she'd be spending the summer in an unwed mother's home in Virginia.  The day Willard brought home the note announcing his removal from class by security because he refused to leave and called the teacher vile names under his breath. 

Also.  Happy.  Freakin'.  26th. Anniversary. 

I just want to get this down for posterity and also as a reminder of the fabulous and hilarious jokes I can help my grandchildren play on their parents.  Please send any and all truly awful ideas.  I'm so up for it.

The pumpkin spent the night last night.  We were laying in bed.  I was hoping she would finally go to sleep.  She was hoping she would be able to talk all night.  The TV was on and that Ambien commerical came on.  You know the one where the lady keeps waking up in the middle of the night with a rooster crowing at just the wrong time?

And the pumpkin says, "We need to get that!"

And I said, "Ambien?!?"

And she said, "Yeah!  Ambien."

And I said, "Er, Why?"

And she said, "Cause if you don't have it, Granny, chickens come and sleep with you!"

As opposed to pumpkins?

Vision had day surgery today.  Her shoulder has been a mess for her this last year.  Resting it hasn't helped, not tumbling and doing the triple throw down zip spin back flip hasn't helped, physical therapy hasn't helped, so we did all the doctor stuff you do before they tell you she needs a scope. 

We had the scope today.  The pumpkin was mad that we wouldn't let her go to the hospital with us this morning and dropped her off at home on the way.  That's a miracle, 'cause she said she was never going back to the hospital for any reason.  She loves her Aunt Ninnin, I guess, or was eager to find new reasons to yell at doctors.

Vision is doing well so far.  According to the doctors, this is a really painful surgery so I'm concerned, but Vision is tough as a boot, as evidenced by that fact that she's hacked off at me because I wouldn't let her go to the movies tonight with her best friend.  As far as she's concerned, she's fine.  We'll wait for the universal pain block to wear down in order to make an official call, but she's in the living room watching "10 Things I Hate About You" with Veritas and Rachel, so she's in pretty good shape.   

Pray for a good weekend.  I know I am!

Great, Just Great!

Via Hot Air and please do read the whole thing, we find Representative Paul Ryan "explaining" his vote to tax 90% of  AIG employees' bonuses.  It seems he just didn't realize the bill was completely and totally against everything the founding fathers fought and died for:

“Now, that I know - which I didn’t at the time - that this is unconstitutional, I wouldn’t have voted the same way,” Ryan said during a taping of C-Span’s “Newsmakers” on Thursday - the show is set to air on Sunday. POLITICO was one of the participants in the Ryan interview.

Seriously?  Seriously??  Thanks, Wally.  Here's a thought.  Try reading The United States Constitution since you've been elected to, um, you know, understand what the hell it says and vote on bills accordingly.   It's only the fate of the country at stake.  Perhaps you should stop blaming the Democrats for rushing this legislation through and pay attention to your own vote?  Here's a clue.  If Code Pink is in total agreement with you, you're missing something.  Find it. 

Leave It To Beaver Act

Since Congress is now in the business of passing insane, unconstitutional bills like taxing 90% of AIG employees bonuses retroactively, I might as well propose my own insane, unconstitutional bill to make mandatory the showing in prime time of "Leave It To Beaver" episodes that involve Eddie Haskell.  These will, of course, preempt March Madness, American Idol, 24, and most especially the Lifetime and WE channels because women voted in droves for our new President and Democrats in general.  Thanks gals!  You're children and grandchildren will be so proud while they're standing in the soup lines wondering what happened to the American Dream you so carelessly tossed away by voting for these idiots.  They promised they'd respect you in the morning, didn't they?  Bless your heart.

We've elected Eddie Haskell President of the United States.  He's blown Mr. And Mrs. American Cleaver's skirt up with his long, smiley string of BS and they think he's actually a nice, clean kid.  (Also, Joe Biden.)  In reality, he's a smarmy manipulator who hasn't met a lie he won't tell, a dodge he won't take, or responsibility he won't pass off so long as the fault lies with anyone or everyone but President Eddie. 

I've often asked myself, what in the hell was Wally thinking hanging out with this joker?  Well Wally is every Republican who kept tiptoeing around the disaster that is President Eddie and his plans, his stimulus, his budget, and his audacity of obsfucation since President Eddie is just so darn popular because he's totally snowed Mom and Dad.  What kind of elected official is willing to throw his principals, his judgement, and his character under the bus to suck up to President Eddie and the howling mob he's created?  Wally Republicans, or the 98 "my career over my country" House politicians who hide behind the Republican brand, but are scared to tell President Eddie, the Democrats in Congress, and their constituent outrage to shove this unconstituional bill where the sun don't shine.  Yes, Eric Cantor and Joe Barton, I'm looking at you. 

Which leaves us with the small, but sane Beaver conservatives who never once quit asking about President Eddie, "Can YOU BELIEVE THIS GUY?!?!?!"

If you aren't a Beaver conservative you are the problem.  You're letting President Eddie get away with his baloney and the entire country will suffer an even more enormous cost than it is already going to suffer now.  Stop going along with it already and tell Mr. Cleaver in clear terms exactly what President Eddie is up to.  The Beave would do it. 

It took Mrs. Cleaver a much longer time to figure out what a gas bag Eddie was and this is why I'm proposing my new bill.  If Americans actually see President Eddie in action on "Leave It To Beaver" reruns, they will quickly recognize President Eddie, that they've been had, that Wally is of little use, and they will embrace the Beave.

Gee Willackers, America!  President Barack "Eddie Haskell" Obama has no clothes!

If you've read this and have absolutely no idea what I'm talking about, isn't it about time you watched a few episodes of "Leave It To Beaver"?  I offer this solution to a media driven culture with a 30 minute attention span that has been educated in public schools.  Even they can figure out Eddie Haskell.

As a much superior alternative, I'd also recommend reading The Constitution of the United States of America and The Federalist Papers, but hey, your call.  Dr. Franklin didn't call it, “A Republic, if you can keep it," because he was pressed for time and forgot to TIVO Battlestar Galactica.   

A Funny For Veritas From...Your Mom

So Valentine walks into the mall one night last month and sees Willard's buddies, Max and Jake, loitering by the door.  Val says, "Hey guys, who ya lookin' for?"

And they both say, "Your Mom!!"

Val laughs and says, "Seriously, what are you guys doin'?"

"Waitin' on Your Mom!!"

Val, of course, gets that investigator look on her face as if these poor boys have been reduced to calling the neighbors to pick them up at the mall due to child neglect.  Sensing this, the boys burst into laughter and say, "Willard ran around the corner to hide when we saw you coming in.  We're really waiting on your Mom!"

The pumpkin was over tonight.  She's almost her normal self and it is so good to see. I haven't seen her in over a week since  I was sick last week and she doesn't need to be around anyone who is sick according to sane people everywhere.  What with the fact that she'd just come home from the hospital, it's been hard, but I was finally well and we went out for ice cream last night.  Fun times!  She was adamant that she would also come over this morning, but I had to work and the kiddies had to go to school, so I told her she could come over Friday.  I was surprised when they dropped by tonight. 

She was busy giving me crap this evening, dontcha know.  My guess is, bouyed by her new healthiness she needs her sarcasm, joke outlet, and dance partner back.   We were eating and she said, "It tastes like...(cuts her eyes at me)...old woman!"

Yeah, she's back with bells on.  She insisted on spending the night again, but I told her, "This weekend baby girl!"

And I walked her to the car, we sang about the moon and chased our shadows, and she said, "I love you Granny."

It just doesn't get any better than that.  Well, the part where she had NSYNC "Bye, Bye, Bye" playing on Vision's Ipod, convinced Willard to dance for her, and Vision recorded it and posted it up on MySpace was almost that good.  As I said, Fun Times!

Her Mommy informs  me that they were discussing where the pumpkin would go to college and she said, "I guess I'll go to pawtown!"

Keep workin' in, Veritas.  I think you've got a convert!  I'm assuming, however, that she believes you'll still be there.  Chilling, that.

Speaking of chilling, Willard came in fourth, fourth in the high jump this evening at the freshman track meet.  This would be the event that allowed him a varsity spot.  Sigh.   He slipped and slid in his second jump for 5'10 and never recovered.  He won the disc walking away, even beating at least one varsity qualifying score and just practicing these last three weeks.  Bishop says if he keeps it up he'll definitely get a track scholarship.  Given these dismal economic times, I'm overjoyed with that possibility.

As I told my Daddy this evening, I bet you never in your wildest dreams thought you'd have a grandkid in college on a track scholarship.  What ARE the odds?  Daddy mentioned the milkman...twice. 

Ouch!  Am I that clumsy?  Nevermind. 

Kitty Update

Again, thanks for all the prayers, calls, and emails.  Our Kitty is home from the hospital this evening!  Praise God!  The difference between what the doctors were saying on Monday to what they were saying on Thursday has been like night and day.  We are very thankful and joyous today. 

Also, we are very mindful of the other children we saw and met in the ICU who do not have such a promising prognosis today.  And isn't it just like God to meet us in our time of crisis, wrap his arms around us, love us, and gently remind us to count our many blessings all at the same time?  

Baby Kitty Kat Update

Thanks for all the prayers! The baby kitty is doing better today.  The doctors believe they have killed the bacteria, her tube is draining much less fluid today which means much less fluid in her lung, and she's acting a little like our  kitty.  They moved her out of ICU.

She played with play-doh, grinned quite a bit, stood up for 2 minutes,  and finally began eating again.  All good news!  They are trying to get her to blow to help her lung function and have offered her bubbles and bubble gum.  She rejected the bubbles because "I can't blow bubbles!" but tried blowing bubble gum bubbles because "Ninnin can do it!"

The best/worst part of the day, according to her mommy, was they got her a favorite CD, Taylor Swift, and while shopping noticed a whistle.  What a fun thing to blow into, right?  She whistled the entire "Love Story" song.  They are thrilled she's blowing into the whistle of course, but it's not exactly enjoyable to hear in a small hospital room.  Well, unless you're just tickled pink that your baby is starting to act like herself even if it is the most annoying noise in the entire world.  Then it's like the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

Bless her heart, I'm sure in her mind she has been tortured by all the hospital personnel and she hates them all.  You've got to be older than almost 4 to realize someone driving a needle into your arm and side are actually good things.  Willard and I went by last night and she asked Willard to sit in the chair beside the door.  We had no idea why until she looked at him out of the corner of her eye and said, "If a doctor comes, don't let him in!"

She's definitely getting better.  Keep her in your prayers.  It's going to be a long road.

Please Pray

Our 3 year-old granddaughter was admitted to the hospital on Thursday night with a severe case of pneumonia.  They were not able to halt the infection and her left lung filled up with fluid.  They transported her to the Scott and White Pediatric ICU Saturday morning in order to drain the fluid from her lung and she's there now.  This is an incredibly painful procedure for an adult, let alone a little bitty girl.  She now has a large tube sticking out of her tiny little chest and she is in a great deal of pain.

The doctors have been unable to find the right antibiotic to kill the bacteria in her lung and her lung continues to fill up with fluid as fast as they can pump it out. 

Please pray for these specific things:

1)  That the doctors are able to find the right medicine to kill the infection.  That is the most critical.

2)  That the drain they've placed in her lung pumps out the fluid better so that they don't have to put in an additional tube to drain the fluid.  As I said, it's very painful and we don't want her to endure another.

3)  That she will have as little pain and as much peace as possible during this week.  As you can imagine, she reacts to the adults around her.  Pray that everyone around her is full of faith and optimism and encouragement for her. 

4)  Pray that the next two days are as stress free and pain free as possible.  The doctors have said they will be much more aggressive in their treatment during the next two days, which means she's going to be in even more pain because of  the things they plan to do.  Lift her up during this time.

5)  Obviously, anything else God might lead you to pray for as she and her Mommy and Daddy need all the prayers they can get.  They are all hurting and exhausted, but our little kitty cat most of all.

We do have an amazing blessing in all of this.  Her doctor has actually had this same procedure with his own lung....3 times.  He is incredibly attentive to her and very compassionate about her situation.  He's made sure that she is as comfortable as they can possibly make her.  And he's been very helpful in explaining not only the medical things that are going on, but telling us all how she's feeling and what she will and won't want to do.  He's been checking on her repeatedly during the day and even came in today and sat with her for 45 minutes.  Having this man dealing with our case has been wonderful for her parents and really, all of us. 

However, glimmers of our feisty little pumpkin pop up.  Today Veritas and Vision made up a little song for her to the tune of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, because she has a little red monitor on her toe.  She's got tubes and wires everywhere.  Oxygen in her nose, IV in her arm, tube in her chest, heart monitors, blood pressure cuff on her leg, plus this thing on her toe that lights up red.  The song went something like, "Kitty, the red-toed kitty cat, had a very shiny toe, and if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows..."

And she started grinning and sang, "All of the other reindeer, told her she was pretty, brave and sweet..."  She made up several very flattering verses for herself.  Vision made her a camera video of her dog, Cooper, which made her giggle.  Veritas made her a phone video of her kitty, Twinkie, which also made her giggle.  Valentine made her a picture book of everyone, including all the cats and dogs, and she requested that the picture of her and Daddy making macaroni be the one on display today.

We are all just happy to make her happy and smile for a little bit.  Again, please pray.  The next few days are critical. 

Here We Go, Depression 2.0!

Many concerned conservatives have been urging their fellows to call their representative and voice their displeasure with the Democrats' Depression 2.0, Bankrupt America plan. 

Yet I have nothing to do.  Indeed, having sensible Congresspersons who realize what a generational threat this bill is going to be, have already declared they will not support it.  Call your Congressman?  Ha!  Last night my Congressman called me.  He informed all of us participating on the conference call that he had no intention of voting for a bill that creates little in the way of jobs, but furthers the growth and reach of government to such a degree that the very Republic is in danger.  And then he took questions for well over an hour.  This, my friends, is representative democracy at it's finest.  I'll be willing to bet it isn't happening all over the country.

From The Corner at National Review, my congressman also has a bill I DO support:

Rep. John Carter, a Texas Republican, sent out a press release earlier today about his innovative new bill:

"Rangel Rule"

All U.S. taxpayers would enjoy the same immunity from IRS penalties and interest as House Ways and Means Chairman Charles Rangel (D-NY) and Obama Administration Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner, if a bill introduced today by Congressman John Carter (R-TX) becomes law.

Carter, a former longtime Texas judge, today introduced the Rangel Rule Act of 2009, HR 735, which would prohibit the Internal Revenue Service from charging penalties and interest on back taxes against U.S. citizens. Under the proposed law, any taxpayer who wrote “Rangel Rule” on their return when paying back taxes would be immune from penalties and interest.

Thank you, Congressman Carter!

Count me shocked that the Depression 2.0 bill passed with not a single Republican vote.  I didn't think they had it in 'em.  MrG would like me to note, and I fully agree, that if they had shown this kind of united fiscal discipline when they were actually in charge of the Congress we wouldn't be in this hideous situation to begin with.  The compromising of principles and lack of leadership brought us to this day.   You finally stand together to oppose insane spending at just the moment it does absolutely no good since you're now in the minority.  Thanks guys!

I hope they've learned from their mistakes as they're fully responsible for them.  As always, we taxpayers foot the bill.  And our children.  And our grandchildren.  And our great-grandchildren. 

Now on to the Senate where Republicans can be counted on to give Obama and the Democrats cover for the socialist takeover of our country.  Do not do it, Republican Senators! Do not do it!   Or, as the Wall Street Journal puts it:

This is supposed to be a new era of bipartisanship, but this bill was written based on the wish list of every living -- or dead -- Democratic interest group. As Speaker Nancy Pelosi put it, "We won the election. We wrote the bill." So they did. Republicans should let them take all of the credit.

Thanks to Ace of Spades for this last quote. 

Compare and Contrast

God works in mysterious ways.  My cousin, Ron, sent me a link to a blog with a 90 second stick figure recap of 24, just for giggles.  It was funny, but the blog itself really interested me and I read several other posts.  As the matter of fact, I'm linking it now and thanks to Brant Hansen for his blog and this wonderful story.

Remember that Christian high school basketball team recently in the news that destroyed the opposing team and keep right on going until the final score was 100-0?  From ABC News:

A Texas high school girls basketball team has apologized for winning big. The Covenant School, a private Christian high school in Dallas, defeated Dallas Academy last week in a blowout: 100-0.

And:

During the lopsided Jan. 13 game, spectators said the Covenant School ran up the score, playing aggressive offense, even with their 59-0 lead at halftime. The girls kept on the pressure until they scored the 100th point.

The Dallas Academy, a small private school with 20 girls, is for students with learning disabilities. With eight girls on the varsity team, these young women are used to challenges on and off the court. Despite hours in the gym practicing each week, the Bulldogs haven't won a girls basketball game in five years.

I wanted to write about this earlier in the week, because both my older kids played on teams with 8 players at the varsity level.  The basketball teams weren't as bad as the 8 player football team, needless to say, but we've lost nearly as ugly here at the guillotine.  I'm a sports fan, so I understand playing the kids hard and working not only for the current game but also the next game.  I can understand Covenant up to the half, but beyond that, what the hell were they thinking? 

What Covenant did to Dallas Academy was unsportsmanlike, tacky, and at the very least, beneath the values that Christian parents hope for when they send their kids to private school hoping to take care of their children's academic and moral training.  Not a single player came out a winner in this game, as Covenant showed absolutely no class, let alone Christ-like qualities. 

After reading about that game, imagine my delight in coming across this story at Letters from Kamp Krusty.  It seems a Christian football team from Grapevine, Texas decided to do the right thing and their coach initiated it.  This is a Christian school I'd want my kids to attend:

It was rivers running uphill and cats petting dogs. More than 200 Faith fans sat on the Gainesville side and kept cheering the Gainesville players on—by name.

"I never in my life thought I'd hear people cheering for us to hit their kids," recalls Gainesville's QB and middle linebacker, Isaiah. "I wouldn't expect another parent to tell somebody to hit their kids. But they wanted us to!"

Who were these Gainesville boys?

But then you saw the 12 uniformed officers escorting the 14 Gainesville players off the field and two and two started to make four. They lined the players up in groups of five—handcuffs ready in their back pockets—and marched them to the team bus. That's because Gainesville is a maximum-security correctional facility 75 miles north of Dallas. Every game it plays is on the road.

This all started when Faith's head coach, Kris Hogan, wanted to do something kind for the Gainesville team. Faith had never played Gainesville, but he already knew the score. After all, Faith was 7-2 going into the game, Gainesville 0-8 with 2 TDs all year. Faith has 70 kids, 11 coaches, the latest equipment and involved parents. Gainesville has a lot of kids with convictions for drugs, assault and robbery—many of whose families had disowned them—wearing seven-year-old shoulder pads and ancient helmets.

So Hogan had this idea. What if half of our fans—for one night only—cheered for the other team? He sent out an email asking the Faithful to do just that. "Here's the message I want you to send:" Hogan wrote. "You are just as valuable as any other person on planet Earth."

Do yourself a favor and find out what it meant to the Gainesville boys by reading the whole thing.  

God's talking to us every day.  Coach Hogan was listening and everyone was a winner that night. 

In the Midst of WWIV, Depression 2.0?

Peter Kirsanow at National Review Online: 

So . . . we're going to have a tax cheat in charge of the IRS, a man instrumental in the pardoning of terrorists as top terrorism watchdog, and a woman whose husband gets tens of millions from foreign governments in charge of implementing foreign policy.

 

Also from Andy McCarthy, links to two articles on the gigantic, horrifying, wasteful, and useless "stimulus" package, Depression 2.0, that is about to be crammed down our throats by the Democrats.  The first from Conn Carroll at Heritage: 

Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) yesterday told Politico: “Yes, we wrote the bill. Yes, we won the election.” The House bill perfectly demonstrates how the left is using the economic stimulus bill as cover to accomplish its long-held desire to permanently increase the size of the federal government, with little or no benefit to the American taxpayer.

Today’s top six disastrous highlights..

After reading that, check out Connie Hair's article at Human Events:

The Democrat “stimulus” bill -- a bill that was created behind closed doors by Democrat leadership who usurped the normal committee process -- reaches nearly a trillion dollars in spending, and the non-partisan analysts cannot guarantee that this $825 billion in proposed legislation would create one single job.  

The Democrats are going to end up turning this recession into a depression, just wait and see.  If they don't manage it, it will be a miracle.  What remains unclear, at least for now, is whether or not they are doing it intentionally.  I guess we'll soon see since Obama is  meeting with the Republicans today. 

Will the Republicans be silly enough to vote for this monstrosity and give the Democrats the political cover they desparately seek?  Probably. 

 

Mom Needs Some Christmas Pictures

Here are a few snaps from the Hogan Family Christmas.  We aren't very good photographers are we?  Nevermind.  On with the show:

Opening presents, Daddy in his "Poppy" hat. He isn't smiling because of the hat, Uncle B.  He's smiling because Hen and I gave him every episode of "The Rockford Files".  I'm still kinda bummed that I only had time to watch the first 6 episodes, just to make sure it was all good.  

We made chicken n' dumplins for Sunday lunch.  Veritas is usually my go to dumplin' gal, but she was on her way from college town, so the dumplin' baton was passed on to my oldest daughter, Valentine, and my sister Henny.  They did a great job.  Yes, we roll out the biscuits.  It would be insane not to do so.  Trust me on this.

No, my sister's real name isn't Henny.  I've told this before on the blog, but I'm too lazy to look it up and link it.  Henny is a childhood nickname.  I call her Henny.  She calls me Fuzzy.  My cell phone speed dial says "Henny Home" and "Henny Cell".  I get birthday cards addressed "Dear Fuz".  I guess it runs in the family that both Hen and Fuz will pose for a picture with anything, even a biscuit can.  Mom gets in on the dumplin' action:

I'm not sure what Mom's holding there.  The last piece of Poppy's Perfect Peanut Brittle perhaps?

Here's a shot of Mom, Hen, and me.  (Yes, mother, this is the best picture I had.  One had your eyes closed, the other had Hen's eyes closed. This is the proverbial  IT, even though I appear to be preparing to attend a Marilyn Manson concert by underlining my eyes with black splotch.) :

This picture reminds me of a trip to the dentist when Mom said I would get my teeth cleaned and because I was young, I actually believed that "getting your teeth cleaned" meant my teeth would morph into movie star wide and bright like Mom and Hen here.  I smiled in the bathroom mirror after the cleaning, expecting Mom's teeth to wink back at me, only to find I still had Dad's teeth, only cleaner.  It was a bitter blow. 

And no family event would be complete without the Joker! game:

Bug, Spence, and Uncle B.  Note how Bug and Uncle B immediately hide their cards while Spence, so innocent, keeps his fanned out.  Sad, that.  Another Joker! shot:

(l-r) Veronica, Viagra, Bug, Spence, Uncle B, Uncle B's rabbit ears on Willard 'cause that's just how we roll, Willard.  Again, Veronica covers her cards while Willard just hangs 'em out there for the world to see.  I bet he didn't win a game, bless his heart. 

Now we do get ridiculous about the Joker! game.  Rules are hotly debated, arguments break out, and family members act as if the very Constitution of the United States might have been spat upon during any questionable move.  Also, we're alot Irish.  On the one hand I find that troubling, but on the other, I've played Skip-Bo with mom's mom, MaMa.  I've seen MaMa slap a hand over a card, glare, and grit out, "A CARD LAYED IS A CARD PLAYED." 

At the time, she was playing with my 6 year-old daughter and 5 year-old son.  I guess she'd mellowed.  There was a time when she was really serious about her card games. (Kidding!!  She wasn't playing with the kiddies when she did that.  The rest:  True Story.)

Can we ever overcome our genes plus our history?  In our family, not if we play cards. At least we aren't like Dad's side of the family, who actually came to blows over a 42 game.  Having played 42 with them, it's completely understandable.  They are terrible table talkers and not the least bit subtle.  They might as well take out an ad in the New York Times entitled, "I'm going in 6's.  Do you have the double, partner?  And also, the 6:5?  After that, I got it!" 

And speaking of the Dark Side, our domino brawler cousin Mas dropped by to visit during Christmas.  Fun Times!  Here's a shot of me, Mas, and Hen:

We look completely sane, what with being domino throwdown Hogans, dontcha think?

Cousins Kim and Howard also showed up Sunday afternoon.  Kim, Howard, Hen and I spent many a summer at Granny Hogan's house tearin' up anvils, locking each other in the cellar, swimmin' in the cow's watering trough, ridin' pigs and motorcycles, and swingin' on cables from the top of the barn rafters into the cotton trailer.  I'll never forget the time I sailed past the cotton trailer, let go with seriously bad timing at the far end of the barn, landed all the way down on the dirt floor of the barn, flat on my back, breath completely knocked out of me, and turned my head upon the dirty straw to look deeply into the eyes of a skunk.  Incapacitiated, I could only stare at the skunk and hyperventilate further.  Lucky for me, the skunk had met Rusty the farm dog earlier in the day and was dead as a doornail.  It took me long minutes I will never forget to wrap my brain around the  fact that the skunk was actually dead, although still seriously rank.  I may have kissed Rusty later, but that's between me and Rusty.

Sadly, our camera died at that point and I don't have a picture of the four of us.  We had some serious fun on that farm, but it's probably for the best that there is no photographic evidence as Kim just could NOT keep her mouth shut.  We were sitting in Hen's living room with my teenagers and Kim just blurts out, "Remember when you used to drive us around all over the county and we weren't supposed to go past the railroad tracks?  And we just snuck on into town and got caught on main street?  You were a wild child, Lana!"

People who do not have teenagers!  Do not tell these stories in front of other people's children.  Now all the kiddies want to drive the car, though they don't have a license or even a permit, just like Mommy.  Granted, Granny let me drive around the back roads at 13 and 14 with my cousins and sister, which was insane, but that doesn't mean I'm going to agree to it with my children.  Duh!  You just know they'll go past the railroad tracks and roar right into town.  Hello?  They're my kids.  What WAS Granny thinking? 

And what was I thinking?  She lived in a town of what, 1500-2000 people, perhaps only a third of the population directly related to us?  Knew me by name?  Recognized the car?  What person with a brain in their head could have predicted someone might notice?  The party line was burning up with the fact that we'd crossed the railroad tracks before we even hit main, dontcha know. 

Remember when you thought your parents and grandparents were mind reading geniuses?  Then, after you had children, you realized that the real problem in your nefarious deeds being found out was that you were dumb as a box of rocks.  

No matter my glare, Kim would not be silenced.  She then had to engage my sister and tell about how, "Lana would hang her feet out the car window and let us sit in the floorboard and do the gas?"

I was always there for them, bringing the fun, but just as I was about to insist for the benefit of my youngsters that it never happened, Hen rats me out, "Good Times!!"

And now for the kiddies.  This wasn't taken exactly at Christmas, but it CRACKS ME UP!  Hen's baby boy, Hogan, is Spiderman.  Aside from a few missing legs, he's a dead ringer:

Hen's baby, Ella Jo!  It's hard to say whether she looks like her Momma or her Aunt Lana.  This picture, however, trends toward Hen.  It doesn't matter, really, as her personality is all Aunt Lana.  I'll take it:

(l-r) Hen's oldest daughter's (Weewee) baby, Kyleigh, Vision, Hogan with claw hand, Ellie Bellie, and the pumpkin. 

Vision, Kyleigh, and Ella Jo. 

WeeWee and Kyleigh.  Kyleigh was getting pretty tired at this point, but she's still trying to bring the smiles.  What a sweetheart.  

Daddy and Ella Jo.

 
The pumpkin:  Take my picture!

Ella Jo and the pumpkin diving on Spence before bedtime.  The pumpkin appears to have Ella Jo in a headlock, note the tight grip around Ella Jo's neck.  But it's love, people.  A love lock about the neck and shoulders. 

Hogie Bear and the pumpkin.  "We made candy necklaces.  Thanks Val!  Also we're tired of smiling for all these pictures."

  All the kiddies:  Ella, Veronica, Pumpkin, Veritas, Hogie, Spence, Kyleigh.

Veritas and the pumpkin.  Just cause I like this one.  It's late, I know, but life happens on the way to Merry Christmas.  Even so, we had a very, merry Christmas.   

Congratulations, America!

Obama’s Victory

A victory for the hysterical Oprah Winfrey, the mad racist preacher Jeremiah Wright, the mainstream media who abandoned any sense of objectivity long ago, Europeans who despise America largely because they depend on her, comics who claim to be dangerous and fearless but would not dare attack genuinely powerful special interest groups.

A victory for Obama-worshippers everywhere. A victory for the cult of the cult. A man who has done little with his life but has written about his achievements as if he had found the cure for cancer in between winning a marathon and building a nuclear reactor with his teeth.

Read the whole thing.

Fun Times! 1.20.09 Edition

1)  Today is daughter Veronica's birthday!  Happy Birthday Sweetie!!!  Thank you so much for not only loving my son, but contributing to the silliness and sarcasm around here.  We would be seriously diminished without your valuable contributions in the sly aside department.  Perhaps most families don't appreciate the excellent laugh as much as we do, but we treasure you for it. 

Veronica is an incredibly loving mother to our Kitty, which has to be a bit of a trial at times as the Kitty is just as stubborn and relentless as her Daddy.  Veronica has a huge capacity to love and it shows with the way she has embraced her husband's siblings and at times, fiercely taken them and their trials, setbacks, and triumphs as her own.    I especially appreciate her in those times because she's so relentless in her support and/or outrage.  The relentlessness doesn't just come from Daddy, after all. 

She has taken us all into her heart and it is a blessing.  I hope we bless her at least as much as she blesses us.  And I'm not just talking about her insane court-side behavior, although that is most excellent.  She brings passion to every sport and she's dead serious about the no whiner rule.  What's not to love?

2)  Basketball tonight.  Willard's game was good, but not overly exciting.  In excellent news, the boys finally figured out how to beat the press and amazingly, it was what their coach had been telling them to do all along.  Great job, coach!  Also excellent, only half as many turn overs this game, which means...  Put one in the win column!

In funny news, Willard actually dribbled the ball between the opponent's legs and came out on the back side with the ball.  Yes, Willard.  I have NO idea why he was taking the ball down the court, what with his not so mad dribbling skillz, but he was and he did.  Go figure. 

Vision cheered the JV on to victory this evening and she looked just as perky and enthusiastic as she possibly could.  We all helped her do the motions and wave the spirit fingers from the stands and I'm sure she was thrilled with all our help.  As any 17 year-old girl would be, of course. 

I'm really surprised how few parents actually show up for the games, whether their children are cheerleaders or players.  I mean, seriously, it's your kid.  What's so important that it makes your kid expendable?  Nothing, actually, but I guess they'll find that out later when there isn't anything they can do to fix it.  Sad, that.

3)  My kids are always goofing on me because I tell them the same story over and over, but in my defense, I have five kids and I can't remember who I told.  I want to make sure everyone gets the memo.  As quickly as they'll laugh when I tell that story they've heard one hundred times, one will turn, frown, and say, "You didn't tell me that!"

So when I quipped to MrG last night on the phone, "Hangin' out with the dry cows tonight?"  Veritas had no clue. 

It seems someone missed the skinny on the dry cows.  In the evening, the cows needing to be milked don't need to be rounded up and herded to the barn, they show up voluntarily and early because they have full to bursting udders and are looking for relief.   Not so those dry cows, who have no milk and thus no reason to come to the barn as the sun is fading.  They stay out all night long.  The dry cows are the party 'til the cows don't come home bovines and a call to the sheriff could be involved in the evening. 

When I was a teenager, MaMa would poke fun at anyone who came home late by saying, "Hanging out with the dry cows?"

After she explained it to me, I pictured the dry cows out in the pasture, doing Lord knows what all, but certainly getting up to no good as they ditched their milk producing responsibilities and proceeded to pal around with that young upstart bull next fence down, until all hours!  I imagined nothing but trouble hangin' with the dry cows and, of course, that was MaMa's point.    Stay away from the dry cows.  They don't have the sense to come home at a reasonable hour. 

It occurs to me the dry cows may be like the feminists in this day and age, but it's late and I'll have to explore that meme another day.  Otherwise, I'll really be hanging out with the dry cows. 

4)  President Obama.  I hope I am so wrong about him I'm embarrassed and must apologize.  After all, I love this country.  Unfortunately, I don't think I'm wrong.   

Not Fun Times! 1.19.09 Edition

1)  Thanks Mom.  You said 24 comes on at 7 on Monday night.  I should have realized there was a problem when your niece on the west coast agreed.  It can't come on at 7 both places, now can it?  So after careful planning based on what you told me was the gospel truth,  I missed the last 10 minutes because I had to pick Vision up from the  movies.  What else did you tell me that wasn't exactly accurate?  Start at the beginning.  I'm just sayin'...

2)  In lighter news, Willard was puzzled that you gave me a bible study entitled, "Job".   He wondered if you thought I needed to get a new one?  In his defense, his interpretation was phonetically correct, although biblically illiterate.

I said, "It's Job, Willard, Job!  And it's from Gran, Willard, Gran!  She's not worried about my resume."

And he said, "The guy where God kills his wife and kids, takes all his stuff, and makes him sick?  That Job?"

:: looks worried::  "Why does Gran think you need to read about Job, er, like now?"

Just kidding.  I made up that last sentence, but admit it.  When you read that you can't think "Job", because job is stuck your head. 

3)  No more updates tonight as Veritas has been here all day having all the fun she can possibly have given the circumstances.  I gave her my Ann Coulter book to read.  What could be more fun than that?  She went home tonight as classes start tomorrow. 

More fun tomorrow plus the dry cows!

To Fun Not To Try!

I came across this link at The Weekly Standard blog for the Obama Inauguration Speech Generator and couldn't resist.  You simply type in some adjectives, nouns, etc., and it generates the speech.  There were a few glaring errors, but I think it holds up well.  This is my Obama Inauguration speech:

My fellow Americans, today is a black day. You have shown the world that "hope" is not just another word for "slam dunk", and that "change" is not only something we can believe in again, but something we can actually misunderestimate.

Today we celebrate, but let there be no mistake – America faces scream inducing and red challenges like never before. Our economy is Islamist. Americans can barely afford their mortgages, let alone have enough money left over for strategeries. Our healthcare system is most excellent. If your left foot is sick and you don't have insurance, you might as well call a scheming trial lawyer. And America's image overseas is tarnished like a pacifier diapers. But mortifying together we can right this ship, and set a course for Wasilla, AK.

Finally, I must thank my revolting family, my amazing campaign volunteers, but most of all, I want to thank Harlem Globe Trotters for making this historic occasion possible. Of course, I must also thank you, President Bush, for years of romancing the American people. Without your rabid efforts, none of this would have been possible.

All in all, I accidentally got in some pretty good lines, dontcha think?  I almost capitalized red because it's my favorite color, but then thought it would look out of place.  My bad.  Please do try it and post your results in the comments.  I'll put them up on the main page so that the entire guillotine family and avid readers can be represented for Obama's Big Day.

Willard's contribution, which reads like me trying to cheer up my boy after losing a basketball game, plus pure 15 year-old boy.  It's pretty darn good:

My fellow Americans, today is a black day. You have shown the world that "hope" is not just another word for "they", and that "change" is not only something we can believe in again, but something we can actually sodomized.

Today we celebrate, but let there be no mistake – America faces serious and awesome challenges like never before. Our economy is fast. Americans can barely afford their mortgages, let alone have enough money left over for the chess team. Our healthcare system is fat. If your weenis is sick and you don't have insurance, you might as well call a sanitation engineer. And America's image overseas is tarnished like a can bottle cap. But molesting together we can right this ship, and set a course for church.

Finally, I must thank my smart family, my dumb campaign volunteers, but most of all, I want to thank Taliban for making this historic occasion possible. Of course, I must also thank you, President Bush, for years of hustling the American people. Without your sexy efforts, none of this would have been possible.

Fun Times! 1.15.09 Edition

1) Ate lunch with Valentine and Viagra.  Val had a horrifying moment when one of the "clients" she interviewed informed her that baby daddy was currently at the same place, doing the same special forces thang as Cuzzie Will!!  Needless to say, "What is baby daddy's name?" was probably a much more harsh and hysterical question than she'd intended.  As I told Val, "You were just scared you'd have to take the kid home!"

Praise Jesus!  We aren't related to baby daddy and we had a fun lunch.  It's quite fascinating that Val and Viagra have so much seedy, work related knowledge in common.  She in social services and he in pest control, but both scheduling appointments based on the fact that The Price is Right! comes on at 10 a.m. and everyone's home for it in front of the 50" plasma screen.  They hide the weed from Val, but from Viagra, not so much.

2) Not much more in the fun news department, but Viagra relates this story for your entertainment.  He and the pumpkin were working on baseball this afternoon.  Specifically, making sure the ground balls don't get past the pumpkin.  She's 3.  Let me say that again for those who missed it the first time.  She's 3!  She was really doing a good job and Viagra reconsidered letting her play pre-T-Ball this season, at which point she'll be...4.  Barely.  So as she's all excited about it and determined to play, Viagra cautions her, "If you want to play, you can, but you're going to have to work hard." 

And the pumpkin says, "Working hard is not my style.  Slow and steady's my motto, Dad!"

Pictures from Christmas for Cuzzie Shaila

  

I did not take the pictures this Christmas, so we must rely on the pictures Vision took with her new camera.  Two words:  slim pickins! 

Every year we go to the beach at Christmas while visiting Grandma.  I am not a fan of the bundle up and go to the beach in order to freeze to death plan, but the kiddies insist.  Here is a shot of the pumpkin with cuzzies Matthew, Christian, and Bryson in the background:

This is a shot of Vision and Veritas riding to the coast in Veritas' truck.  Note that Veritas is still recovering from her viral pink eye and wearing glasses.  Hopefully they were not speeding down the highway like maniacs when this shot was taken, but it wouldn't surprise me:

 

This is a shot of Mark V (Val's boyfriend), Val, and Willard.  Valentine tells me Mark V reminds her of Willard.  This is becoming more clear the longer we know him.  I'll leave the reader to decide what that means regarding Mark V.  Did I post about Mark V?

The first time Val brought him home to meet the parents, she tried to carefully arrange it so that no one else was home.  Astonishingly, she thought all of us at one time might making him run screaming like his hair was on fire.  Can you even imagine?!?! Through a convergence of incredibly unlucky events, at least according to Valentine, the minute they walked in the back door everyone showed up, even Viagra and Veronica.  As soon as she introduced him, Viagra said, "Did you say Mark?  Mark? Val, have you ever actually gone out with anyone not named Mark?  How many Marks does this make?"

And it was on.  The kiddies started reeling off the list of Mark, Mark, Mark, Marco, which technically counts, and our new Mark was...Mark V.  Yes, we really do call him Mark V.  Except Willard, who calls him Kevin, but that's a whole nother story.

On the bright side, neither she nor we get confused and call him Eddie.  Since he has been back over many times, I guess he appreciates our warped sense of humor.  Much better, I think, to get that information out of the way early in the game.  They always get so touchy when you spring it on 'em later. 

This is another beach shot of Christian, Willard, Viagra, and Tucker playing football.  The boys loved their ping pong ball sling shot guns, by the way.  I got several glares from the adults, but every single boy ran up and gave me a huge hug and thank you Aunt Lana!!!  The most hilarious part of the gun story is the night I passed them out Viagra decided to play a little trick on his cousin Will, known on this blog as my excellent nephew Will. 

Just to make the story clear, MrG and his sister Robin are ten and twelve years older than their little sisters, so there is almost a generation between the oldest cousins and the youngest cousins.  Viagra is 23 and Will is 22.  Their ping pong sling shot cousins are 11, 10, 9, 8, and 5.  Also necessary for clarity, my excellent nephew Will is in the military, special forces.  

So Will, Viagra, and Mark V are outside watching the younger cousins go to war on the front lawn with their newly acquired weapons and as the weapons discharge Viagra starts picking up ping pong balls and putting them in his pocket.  Mark V notices this, but Will is oblivious.  As the ammo runs short, Viagra makes a back room deal with the little guys and the deal is this.  You can have ammo, but your first obligation is to shoot Will in the face.   Kid after kid is running up and shooting Will in the face while Viagra and Mark V are completely unscathed.  Will wonders aloud for approximately 15 minutes why these sweet children are murdering him with ping pong balls and never once attempting to shoot the other two men.  His crazy mad observation skilz will be the brunt of every joke for the rest of the weekend.  At this point, Mark V and Viagra are bleeding through their eyeballs trying not to laugh aloud until six year-old Courtney, the only girl cousin, gives Will the clue.  Probably outta pity.  Hilarity ensues!

Will then begins a counter-offensive by stealing Christian's gun and offers his own deal.  You can have your gun back, but only if you immediately shoot Viagra in the face.  Christian takes his gun and trots over to dutifully shoot Viagra in the face, but he's seriously remorseful about it and reluctant to pull the trigger.  Will, standing right next to Viagra at this point, urges him on by telling him they have a deal and he has to shoot Viagra!  Viagra and Christian listened to Will's explanation and then Viagra tells Christian they had the first deal and it supersedes any subsequent deal that might have been made with Will.  As Viagra and Will both told me, they both about died laughing when the logic of that statement registered in Christian's little head like a light bulb being turned on.  He grinned and immediately turned and shot Will right in the face.  No hesitation at all.  

At that point, Will stole another gun and went to war with Christian.  And every time Christian shot at Will, he hit him right in the face.  Hysterically,  Will couldn't touch the kid, even from two feet, with a fired ping pong ball.  Viagra remarked that he slept much better at night knowing Will was protecting the country.  Just kidding, he said, "Mister special forces is out there getting his ass handed to him by a nine year-old."

MrG said, "And isn't he a weapons specialist?"

When Will and Viagra recounted their war stories later that evening,  we all laughed until we couldn't see straight.

This is a picture of Uncle Wade, Willard, and MrG after an amazing meal at The Boiling Pot.  The Boiling Pot is a place where you order your seafood and they dump the entire meal, plus veggies, right on the table.  Then everyone goes at it like Neanderthals.  It's so messy they tie on a bib when you order, what with the popping off of heads and all, but the food is awesome.  At the end, they bring around the "finger bowls" to facilitate your cleanliness, but there was no way the "finger bowls" would work with that mess.  I asked Vision to snap a pic of the guys with their "finger bowls".  Notice the carnage, tastefully draped with a napkin and MrG with sea critter guts all over his sleeve. 

Fun Times! 1.13.09 Edition

1)  I have a great boss.  He says thank you for everything.  Today he thanked me for working there, doing my job, typing a paper, remembering where his file was, and apologized that he'd asked me to do something as I left early to go to Willard's basketball game.  This happens every day.  He also calls when he goes to Sonic and asks if I want a diet Coke.   

2)  I apologize to Veritas for not talking about fun times yesterday, but when I got home from work, Willard and I watched The Devil Wears Prada.  Yeah, I guess he was feeling like a woman again.  (When Willard was little, by which I mean 10, he went about the house singing Shania Twain's Man, I Feel Like A Woman to the point that it remains a family joke. ) I have come to believe there are two kinds of movie viewers.  The first type watch the  movie as an insular, solitary experience and enjoy it internally.  Or not as the case may be.  The second type must share the movie with everyone in the room.  They nudge each other, make eye contact and grin, grab each other during tense scenes, and are incapable of not having a running commentary  much to the dismay of Type 1.  Type 2's need others to enjoy the movie.  Willard and I are both Type 2 so we had fun.  Type 1's always make fun of Type 2's.  We don't care.

After the movie was over, I realized that my New Year's Resolution to finally watch an entire season of 24 had been jeopardized by the fact that I missed it last night.   Some years ago, never mind how long precisely, Veritas and I rented and marathoned through Season 1 and started Season 2 in an effort to get caught up before Season 3 started, but we got busy and that's the last I saw of Jack Bauer.   (He's losing hair which I guess means he's aged rapidly like much of the intelligence community in the past few years. )

So I turned on the TV in the bedroom hoping they'd re-run last night's episode.  This led to much confusion as I didn't realize it was a two night special, but since I'd caught the mini-drama in December, I at least knew there was a chick president, Jack had been drug back to D.C. from Africa, and why Roger was dead.  I watched it trying to puzzle it out, attempted to have a Type 2 moment with my Type 1 husband who promptly went to sleep blissfully unconcerned that CTU had been disbanded and Tony Almeda had risen from the dead.  Given my complete and utter dedication to the show, it's a miracle I even knew who Tony Almeda was/is.  After all that trouble, I googled the entire two episodes up on the internet and am finally up to speed.  Now if I can just remember which night it comes on next week I'm set!

3)  Willard had a basketball game tonight and it was a doozy.   The other team, A&M Consolidated, was beyond nasty, we had a ref from the Helen Keller School of Ref'ing whose Annie Sullivan never got around to spelling foul into his hand, and Willard spent the first half on the gym floor.  One guy slammed his head into the wall and they didn't call diddly.  It was so bad MrG was stomping down the stands yelling his head off.  He never does that.  It's  my job!  Don't get me started about the kid that was tripping people.  It was ugly.  My daughter-in-law, Crystal, was so upset at one point she said, "I don't think I can let my kids play sports!  This is horrible!  How can you stand this?", but I think that was just the pregnancy talking. 

We were down three in the 4th quarter with a minute, thirty-seven to play when our point guard, Brandon, takes it up the court and just fires up a seriously long 3 pointer.  Nothing but net, people.  Nothing but net and we are tied!  Then A&M Consolidated got the ball back, shot but missed, and Darius (you may know him on myspace) got the rebound and the driving elbow in the back from A&M which prompted, of all people, Mr. School of the Blind to call a foul with seconds remaining.   Darius, bless his heart, may be the worst free point shooter on our team.  He missed the first shot and A&M called a time out.  Then he approached the free shot line and A&M called another time out.  I guess the coach thought of something else he needed to say.  Darius again lined up on the free shot line and nothing but net, people, nothing but net.  It was excellent!

4)  Highlights:  The pumpkin had bruised herself climbing a tree and was showing Aunt Val, the social worker, at the basketball game.  She then requested Aunt Val  take her home with her so that she could play with Val's new puppy.  I believe I've mentioned the pumpkin's pretty slick.   I asked Val, "Is she asking for a temporary removal here or what?"

The pumpkin also assumes that Granny will buy her things at the concession stand, which of course, Granny will.  Granny handed her a twenty just tonight and said, "whatever you want, but Mommy or Daddy have to go with you. I'm watching the game".  The thing is, no food or drinks are allowed in the gym, which is where she brought her popcorn and drink.  I asked her to sit on the other side of her mother with her contraband as they send food police into the gym to seek out offenders, and that was a mistake.  She talked about the food police for a solid hour.  She asked everyone if they knew about the food police, she found interesting places to hide from the food police (behind me and under my feet) while shouting about them to the entire crowd, she explained to Pappy about the food police in case he missed it (Type 1, of course he did), and finally announced, "The Kitty can't wait to try out her new hiding places from the food police."

Then she became the food police by pointing out everyone in the crowd that had the nerve to have food while being inside the gym.  She's fairly relentless but highly entertaining.  Also miffed when we started calling her the food police.

When Brandon went to make his 3 pointer there at the end of the game, the entire crowd stood and lost it's collective mind, which included Val, who forgot the pumpkin was standing between her legs yapping about the food police.  The pumpkin, bowled completely over by Val's jump up to cheer, landed on the the seat beneath Val's legs, looked straight up at her favorite aunt who has a puppy, and in Val's words, "She was mortified."  Must run in the family.  I asked Val if we should call in a report.  Got a glare.   After all, she's got the trump puppy.

Willard's coach is still driving me crazy, some, but he did a pretty darn good job tonight.  As Willard has advised me that he's young and inexperienced and I should be very nice to him, I will try.  And isn't that sweet?  Willard protecting his basketball coach from his mother.  I only have three words for Willard's coach tonight...Put Ray In!!!

Okay, I lied.  Ray will triumph on the court or he probably won't make it.  Yes, he's been out because he was fighting in school, but he clawed his way back unlike the quitters who just threw in towel what with the rules and the bench time.  He kept on.  Give him credit for that!  He's back through sheer grit and the five minutes you let him play...he was glorious.  He was trying to prove something to everyone tonight, coach, and he did.  In spades.  He's an excellent basketball player.  Use it and channel all that drive to the game.  The T was crap.  Defend your players on the court and they will make you proud.  

5)  Vision cheered this evening for the JV, but her game did not go so well.  She, however did an excellent job cheering them on to defeat!  At least our coach isn't a quitter.  This week.

Fun Times! 1.10.09 Edition

1)  In excellent news, my daughter-in-law's Mom is doing significantly better today after major surgery this week.  She had two very bad days on Thursday and Friday, but today is better.  Keep her in your prayers as she's still in a great deal of pain.

2)  The pumpkin was over this afternoon while her Mommy was at the hospital.  I was reading a book and she wanted me to read it to her.  As I was dubious that Ann Coulter's new book would hold her interest, combined with the fact that she was fascinated by the very large capital letters at the start of each chapter, we went through the book looking for the BIG letters, identified them, and made their sounds. 

Every opening chapter page is now decorated with smeary little nacho cheese doritos fingerprints, as Granny and the pumpkin love their nacho cheese doritos.  MrG's entire side of the bed is littered with nacho cheese doritos crumbs, curtesy of the pumpkin, but let's just keep that part to ourselves.  She was particularly concerned to find out if the BIG letters were in her name, happily many were, and also enjoyed my sounding out of the letter S, which looks like a snake and says, "Ssssssssssss".  Again, happily, there were several hissing chapters.  Hey, it's Ann Coulter.  After we went through the entire book, literally chapter by chapter, I closed it and said, "That's all there is baby."

And she said, "Read it again, Granny!"

Educating the young.  I do my part.